House of Dreams

The sound of a fall is heard through the entire room

It’s so empty, even whispers echo

I look about, tears brimming my eyes

This place was Home

It was my home

Fantasizing the memories I longed to have, I watch growing children chase past me

I can hear her on the phone with friends, getting ready in front of a fancy mirror. Her hair is long, she’s 13. She giggles and rolls her eyes, parting her lips to put on makeup.

He’s 15, with headphones and his door closed, I wonder what music he listens to as he lays on his bed looking at a magazine.

She’s 9, she plays with a golden dog in the backyard, before running to ask for lemonade.

Suddenly it changes, the 9 year old is dressed for prom, and walks down the stairs in her gorgeous dress.

And then again, the 13 year old has a band of giggling bridesmaids gathered around her in her old bedroom. She is dressed in white, glowing and ready for her big day to start a new life.

This was my house of dreams. Imagining fantasies that will never be memories.

It was ours. Perfect, charming…

And none of them will ever be.

I cry alone in my old house of dreams.

Tumbling

Alone.

I ache.

Inside I churn and toss.

This way– that way–

I created this merry-go-round.

Make it stop spinning,

Let me off.

A hole rests ahead.

And yet it seems a canyon.

I have been to this canyon before.

I cry out to you!

Screaming from the core of me.

Love me! All of me.

But you don’t hear me.

I am drenched in my tears.

I am alone.

The cavern in my chest collapsing around me.

Why do you abandon me?

Why don’t you seek me?

Why don’t you call to me?

Why do you leave me here?

Disconnected.

We are not One.

I am alone.

When I call to you, you silence me.

You do not reach back.

You put your hands on me.

But they don’t want my heart.

You want to connect with me in your way.

You do not find me the same.

I am alone.

Tumbling. Crumbling.

Dying.

My breath is faint within me.

I waste away.

End me.

Stop sending me tumbling.

Stop trying to hold my flesh,

While my heart bleeds out in your hands.

Endless Stillness

Another day of hell has come and passed

And I’m still here.  Why am I still here?

Another day of endless waiting ended

I’m still sitting still, sitting still.

It’s so still.  It’s all still.

Another empty day has passed on by

Crying.

Let us out of this broken cycle

It’s all so still.  It’s all so still

Suffocating in this shame and guilt

Wondering how I got here

Wondering how to leave

Endlessly she keeps pushing at me

Endlessly she just wont go away

Endlessly the nights all end in brokenness I can’t overcome.
Another day of hell has come and passed

I’m still here.  Why am I still here?
Endlessly we wait in stillness for something to fall

I don’t know what it is, it just hasn’t happened yet

Someone once said this too shall pass, it’s never gone away

Life happens in cycles

I seem to recycle the same story over and over 

The heroine escaped, she finally ran away

Into the arms of tyranny, where she ran back again

Someone still the sounds of madness crying through the night

We are all praying, we can’t stop praying

Reality is broken, do you even know who you are anymore?
Another day of hell has come and gone.

I’m still here. What am I doing here?

The Color of Rain

I’d rather stay inside and watch from afar
To stay far away, so you can’t see my scar
I’d rather keep quiet when you’re all around
Than to ever let on my ships run aground
Isolate myself with my insecurity
Surrender myself to the absurdity
That I will eventually be okay.

I like to cry alone when no one can hear
I like to drown out alone with my fear
Wherever I go, I know I can paint a smile for you
I’ll tell you I’m fine, although all the while, it’s true
I’m dying inside, a little more each time I’m with you.

Confident I collapse to my anxiety
Hoping that somehow you’ll hear me
The emptiness inside suffocates my heart
Will anyone come and break me apart?
Break me apart to let me out

Isolated willingly by all my doubt and fear
Wishing somehow someone might see me here
Reach deep inside, and draw me out
Can anyone come and sate this drought?

Lost Without You

I wait for you to hear me.  To listen to my heart.  To reach out to me and love me.  But you wont, and I fall apart.
I wait for you to come.  Silently. Endlessly.  Instead you manage your own life.  You don’t notice me as I fall apart.

The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep, why can’t you be here?

What is love if only one is taking care of it?  Why is it so easy for you to miss what’s going on?
Have you even noticed that we’ve drifted apart?  Why is it so easy for you to only miss me when you’re gone?
I sit beside you listening to you ramble into the night.  You haven’t once stopped to see if I care.  Is it that great to hear yourself talk?  As I drown in your words, waiting for you to come up for air.

The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep, why are you even here?

Alone, alone I cry out for you.  But you can’t hear me anymore.  It makes me wonder if you ever did before, how can we take much more?  This ship is running into the shore again.

How does it sound to hear yourself talk?  Did it ever occur to you that I might need to, too.
How does it feel to be by yourself on this walk?
Did it ever occur to you?  Did it ever occur to you?

The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep…
The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep, why can’t you be here?
Why can’t you be here?

Writers Block

For some reason, I’m suffering from unshakeable depression.  It’s as though there’s an unsatiable chasm in my chest, draining away all of my energy, creativity, and distorting all of my emotions.
This is also affecting my ability to write, and make beautiful things come to life in words.  Which causes further frustration, leading to more wilting away of self.
I’m finally home with my husband again – there’s no desire or longing for our relationship to improve, I wonder why it even exists.
I’m finally back in my house, to do as I please – and the reminders that I am literally alone in this empty part of the country creep in, shadowing the gratitude I have to being home.
I’m finally able to sit down and write my story for an upcoming anthology – and nothing feels right.  Nothing desires to be written.  The story I am working on I am going to shelve, and see if something else comes up.  I have until mid-May, surely there’s a story floating out there wishing to be told.  I hope very much that it jumps into my head and allows me to bear it witness.
Story telling is my life.  Without it I am nothing.  My religious convictions are my life, without them I am nothing.
Today, I lie in bed – my mother tending my son, both thinking I am asleep – as my emptiness lends to the withering of my soul.  I must find something to slay the beast, in order to perk my spirits!  Alas, is this depression debilitating.
And I roll over, closing my eyes, wishing the world away.