I’m Published! Finally.

Today, I have published The Dragonchild. It’s only taken 20 years since I started writing…… If you’re still waiting to publish, this is good news for you.

The last five years have been tumultuous. I moved to Wisconsin. I got married again. I had another kid. I got divorced. And now I’m stuck here for a while.

This has obviously taken a bit of a toll on my creative energy, but during 2020 I had a pretty great year. 2020 destroyed a lot of people? I found myself in 2020.

The moment they shut us inside our homes, I started cosplaying in steampunk apocalypse when I went to the grocery store.

I stitched the gears onto the mask myself

And then the birth of the Steampunk Elf happened…..

Who couldn’t resist being a mysterious gypsy?

Obviously after I started cosplaying regularly, the Lady of the Wood became a reality. I started wearing the pointed ears all kinds of places– including work. It’s terribly fun at work hearing where everyone is used to seeing pointed ears. It’s at the point where some of my coworkers say “I didn’t recognize you without the ears!”

2020 also produced The Dragonchild. I don’t know how or what sparked it specifically, but one day at the beginning of August, I said “I’m going to write a story about an alchemist and a dragon.” And before I knew it, the whole book was written by the end of August.

I spent the next month reading and rereading it, editing it, took two weeks off, read it again, edited it some more… and then by January I wanted it edited so I could publish it in March of 2021.

The endless waiting game of needing my editor to actually work on the book started. It never came to fruition, either. I waited most of 2021 for her to edit it. Eventually I agreed to letting Paul edit for me, and then I spent even more time waiting on him to edit it. By the end of 2021, I still had no book published.

2022 dawned. I’d been living on my own for a year, working for Amazon, when I was finally promoted to a supervisor role in March. After going from part time 20 hrs on the weekends to full time NIGHTS my writing habits changed significantly. Come June, Paul had finished editing my book, and so I was free to go ahead and start the final touches on the book.

By September my final edits were complete and I needed to figure out what I was going to do next. I sent it off to a few beta readers, they liked it as is, and thus the publishing process and picking a date arrived!

I decided to go with the cover I’d digitally painted myself, did a few tweaks to make it look interesting, and it was ready to submit to publish!!!

So! Now it’s published. It’s available all kinds of places in ebook form:

https://www.scribd.com/book/599512398

https://books.apple.com/us/book/id6443764082

https://www.kobo.com/us/en/ebook/the-dragonchild

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/…/the…/1142480308

And on Amazon, but the Amazon link refuses to show up……

The print version will soon be on the way, I approved the print copy I received from Draft2Digital…. I need to figure out printing it through Amazon, too, but for now it’s going to be available in print with D2D.

The worst part of all is deciding how on earth I am supposed to SELL MYSELF! Like– I don’t do that. I’m introverted, I keep to myself, I don’t talk about me…. I don’t even tell stories about me unless they’re relevant to the conversation.

Obviously this is troublesome. I must convince people to buy my book. HOW on earth does one do that?

I hope you consider buying it. It’s REALLY good. It’s a steampunk world, with dragons, and magic, full of cliche Destiny and adventure. Even a touch of romance. One might call it an Epic.

Will you take the chance on a glorious adventure in the skies? You should.

I have a Name

I am someone.

I work hard every day, striving to leave a footprint behind me of morale and ethics.

I have a name, I’m not just a number.

I work hard, trying to carry myself with excellence, and yet I don’t think you see me.

Diminishing my light and silently fading to the backdrop is not my style, others should know they are valued.

And yet value is not your ethic, instead you push for productivity. Those around more have better chances of moving ahead— and I stay at the backdrop.

I put my name out there, watching others have better chances, I don’t understand why I am forgotten in the faces of the crowd.

It is a crowd. One I am silently working my way through, and have resigned to watch forget me.

I’m still here, among the forgotten, and I still have a name.

I wish you would use it at least once.

House of Dreams

The sound of a fall is heard through the entire room

It’s so empty, even whispers echo

I look about, tears brimming my eyes

This place was Home

It was my home

Fantasizing the memories I longed to have, I watch growing children chase past me

I can hear her on the phone with friends, getting ready in front of a fancy mirror. Her hair is long, she’s 13. She giggles and rolls her eyes, parting her lips to put on makeup.

He’s 15, with headphones and his door closed, I wonder what music he listens to as he lays on his bed looking at a magazine.

She’s 9, she plays with a golden dog in the backyard, before running to ask for lemonade.

Suddenly it changes, the 9 year old is dressed for prom, and walks down the stairs in her gorgeous dress.

And then again, the 13 year old has a band of giggling bridesmaids gathered around her in her old bedroom. She is dressed in white, glowing and ready for her big day to start a new life.

This was my house of dreams. Imagining fantasies that will never be memories.

It was ours. Perfect, charming…

And none of them will ever be.

I cry alone in my old house of dreams.

Rejection : The Common Core

I remember crying as you watched

My heart aching

Breaking down and not understanding why

I trusted you

I trusted you with my soul

You broke it

It’s never been the same since you

Rejection

A nine letter word, so tiny in the vernacular

And yet it shreds us to pieces

Our first rejection shadows us

Creating the lense we see ourselves through

One rejection after the next

We conclude it is us that is the problem

We cause others to deny our worth

We cry out for validation!

Validate me! Validate me!

Again and again to face rejection

The monsters enslaving us

Causing us to sin–

They rejected us first

And we reject ourselves ever since

We are not good enough

We are not intelligent

We are not beautiful

I am not beautiful

I am the itching scabs of leprosy

Oozing from the wounds that never heal

Loving the loudest

Loving the longest

Loving so no one knows this pain

Pushing away and building the walls to keep you from seeing the wounded animal I am inside

I’m terrified if you knew my pain you’d see that I’m a fraud

I am the perception Rejection has spoken over me

You create

You sing

You play

For I am unworthy to speak the voices and sing the notes of my Fantasies inside

Rejection visited me, too, and I had nowhere to hide

Inspiration

Three weeks ago I took my daughter to see Frozen II.

The entire Frozen series has brought me immense joy.  The characters are memorable and we adore them, the stories are full of relatable materials- and Frozen Fever is so cute.

The Dragon Prince on Netflix has also been a fun and enjoyable series to watch.  There is evil, there is sunshine, there is darkness, there is light.  It’s a journey, the characters have personalities, quirks, interests–

In Eldegras, these are qualities I wish my stories to have.  I’ve read so many fantasy books and so few of them have the same interest in their characters that I wish to have.  My rough drafts sometimes feel like scripts, as I am very invested in dialoguing and conversating.  If the characters never talk, how can we grow to love them?

The Mandalorian is on Disney+ and my author husband loves it.  However, I’ve not enjoyed it as much, because in the beginning there was a great deal of staring into nowhere and not talking.  You don’t really know what’s going on, or what they’re doing, they never say anything.  I imagine this is how many Fantasy books would play out as well.
Show don’t tell is a big thing with many writers.  Robin Hobb, RA Salvator – they go pages and pages painting the imagination with what is happening, but never interacting with the characters.  It’s frustrating!
However on the flip side, Robert Jordan popped several characters in and out of his first scene in the Wheel of Time series, and while I’m more into those kinds of memorable moments I need to remember NOT to do such things so we have a better understanding of what’s going on.
Or there is Terry Goodkind, who breaks down into an emotional scene between two women during a torture invested interrogation……

Back to Frozen and The Dragon Prince, these two joyful series alone have rekindled my imagination for my books, however, even right now as I try to compose this blog, my child is crying for my attention and I need to get up and do things.

As a mother of 3, one being 10 months old on Friday – it’s been so hard to write.  I long to express myself, but without letting the words free, they get blocked off and the inspiration dies.

Part of the long drawn out attempt to write this- it’s a fourth rewriting of this series.  After all of these years, sitting on my computer harddrive, you’d think one would be published?  No.  I’ve written and rewritten this series to the point of frustration, and let advice and opinions slip into my writing.  Being a people pleaser I’ve allowed the opinions to drown out my joy.

But Frozen is so similarly expressed with it’s characters and storytelling that I really want to pursue writing mine again.  And therefore, I am.  We’re trickling out words oh so slowly, but they’re coming!
I’m writing two in the series at the same time, and it’s been quite fun to do.  One is brand new to the series, and the other collectively rewrites about four books.  Four.

Yes, I’ve invested so much time and world building into this series, and revamped it, and am starting over on a new spark, and let me tell you everything is harder with kids and husbands!  Stopping the flow to take care of kids, stopping the trying to flow to take care of the home, stopping the flow to go shopping, to make dinner, to have space in my own head to decompress for the day–

Last night I spent some time recreating hair color.  One day a few months back, my husband was playing Fire Emblem, and I decided my high fantasy realm would be a world of unusual colors.  Hair color changes took place in my elves.

My mind is always brainstorming in this world, even if the writing is not happening.
Once a writer, always a writer.  Once an artist, always an artist.  We’re constantly enveloped in the worlds our imagination creates, this will never die within us.  The words might not come, the art might not come, but it’s always there.

What inspires you today?  What are you writing?

Yesterday, I was 30

I’m going to be cliche and write 30 things I have learned in the last 30 years, in light of turning 30 yesterday.

1. Your love language is extremely important to understand.
2. Nothing in life ever goes the way you planned.
3. The most important role in your life is simply to be You.
4. When your world shatters, don’t make dumb decisions.
5. The people who are supposed to love you the most, have the strongest ability to tear you apart.
6. Trust is fleeting.
7. Fulfillment doesn’t exist in mortal things.
8. If you know with the core of your being you shouldn’t do something, don’t do it.
9. Pleasing people gets you nowhere.
10. You’re going to miss the most important things in life if you rush through and don’t stop to listen and consider the “why shouldn’t I do this?”
11. You cannot rely on someone else to be what you need. They will fail you when you need them most.
12. If friends are distant, just let them go. No matter how much it hurts.
13. If you matter to someone, they will keep you in their life.
14. Children are the most delightful joy you will ever possess in this Life.
15. If someone is relying on you, always make sure to accomplish what they need in a reliable amount of time.
16. It’s better to lie to everyone that you’re okay, than tell them when it’s not.
17. Life is continually disappointing, and there’s no turning back from a mistake.
18. Everyone has an opinion. Seek the Truth, that is what matters most.
19. God will never leave you, or forsake you.
20. Jesus Christ is literally the only entity you can count on.
21. If you know it is a bad idea DON’T DO IT.
22. Staying stuck on the things that make you unhappy, makes you unhappier.
23. There is so much peace in silence.
24. Making friends past 25 is hard.
25. Isolating yourself, while it does protect you, only makes you lonely.
26. Sometimes, you go through things in life, and literally have NOBODY you can actually talk to about it.
27. The loneliest place you can be, is in a crowded room where no one knows you.
28. The second loneliest place you can be, is in a crowded room where everyone knows you, but you cannot connect with those people, no matter how hard you’ve tried.
29. Having friends with things in common is worth Gold.
30. Don’t be afraid to take chances.

Dismal list, the inside of me isn’t exactly the happy, bubbly Sprite I try to be.
Because of my own loneliness, I try so desperately to light the world around me, so others know someone loves them, someone thinks they’re important, and someone doesn’t want them to know the same emptiness I feel.
You can always rely on me to be there for you. No matter the time of day.

Shine brighter than the stars. Even when it kills you inside.

Creative Energy

I have so much creative energy swirling in my head, and not the slightest idea how to let it out.  I pick up my sketch book, and it doesn’t help.
I open up a WIP document, and that’s not where it wants to flow either.

I open up my blog, and spend the next twenty minutes organizing blog posts so my flash fiction, Faet & Fantasy reads in order.  The first two episodes weren’t in the line up so I had to go fishing for them.  Now, they are ALL only categorized under ONE category.

After that, I had to take my son to martial arts, but my mind is a bursting flood of energy refusing to calm.

Perhaps it has to do with recent ignition, though I don’t know where the inspiration came from, however it has not stopped.  Meanwhile, I have little to show for it, though I direly wish to ride the wave where it will carry me!

Especially if it means I finish my first write so I can start editing it….  Though, this is a way off to finish, if I keep the energy up, perhaps the book can be done by the end of this year?

Many people are waiting on me to finish something, I don’t particularly know why I haven’t.  Maybe this Christmas I’ll sneak a peak into Eldegras for everyone with my Yule story finished.  Publish to Wattpad, get a few more short stories out there as teasers, and viola, the series comes along?

It sounds like a good idea in theory.  The execution is where I have trouble….

Today I miss having a piano.  I miss writing songs and poems.  Why have I stopped?  What possessed me to close up and hide within myself?

It surely hasn’t been a good thing, and only left me feeling directionless and without purpose…..

Here’s to purpose and raising more blog posts and stories again.  Once a writer, always a writer.  And I have most definitely always been a writer.

Farlaquin

Haunted by his memories, and the alluring draw of AFI, I pull out an old book I wrote.

I open the pages immediately engulfed in the evanescent driftings of memories long forgotten….

It needs a hefty edit and dusting off, but the story is certainly worth saving.

In the revamp of my High Fantasy series, this character was going to be cut.

However, his tragic romance and undying love for a main character may yet see light of day.

As I painfully read this old story, written in a past I often wish to forget, his presence haunts me like a ghost.

Piercing dark emerald eyes, flowing nutmeg brown hair, and a smooth comforting voice overwhelm me.

I tune into another AFI song to keep him alive in my mind, wondering whatever happened to the affair my soul had with this character.

When I wanted to escape reality and pour my soul out, Farlaquin was there.

When I longed to dance in a world I couldn’t possibly physically touch, I drowned in my imagination and spent endless hours in a place once called Elverqueist.

Tonight, seduced by the memories and need to clench my thirsty soul, I look back and see him again….

And for the first time, I miss him.

He reaches a hand to me, his eyes gentle. His whisper sends tingles through my mind, as again I am seduced by worlds so far away….. that I desperately wish to reach.

His brow dropping to mine, calling me, a new scene introducing him in the new book rewrite comes to mind.

And for the first time, I am sure that his story needs told.

Every Day

Every day I come to my wordpress blog, and every day I fail to write.

It’s not that I don’t have words!  I have so many words.
Perhaps it’s that I lost the art of using them?

Writers keep writing what they write, a song about the dark says so.

Why do I stop?  Why have I been incapable of producing the words I so eagerly long to share?

I wish I understood them.

I wish I could make them flow in the ways they used to.

Somewhere along the way, I locked them up where no one could see.  Instead of validation I found emptiness in a greedy world where everyone wants to be heard.

So I silenced my voice.

And then I found those who would oppose me, and force their concepts down my throat without hearing what I would have to say, and I stopped speaking.

The Value we take from one another when we deem ourselves as more important!

The Value we take from one another when we choose to not listen to their heart, and take it for the treasure that it is.

Instead we fume, we rage!  We foam at the mouth, because our school of thought cannot comprehend that of the other.

One of us is free, and gives ourselves away whole-heartedly, and the other is limited by a box that they do not understand controls them, and instead of being honest and true they snuff out the light.

Why do we destroy each other?

Why must the light one sheds be darkened by another?

If someone is shining brightly for all the word to see, is this not enough for Humanity?
Correct them in love.  Not judgement.

Correct them in hope.  Not rage.

Sacrifice your own abysmal failure to love with reckless abandon, instead of screaming at them with your actions to change for the sake of your intolerance.

There is a Truth.  And this Truth is solid and just.  Don’t silence the voices who share the truth because it doesn’t agree with your school of thought.

Watch them, brave and bold, and know they are sharing from the depths of their hearts and soul, to connect all of humanity with a greater good.

 

…..Every day I wait, longingly for the words to return.  They trickle slowly in.
But why do I abandon them?

One In A Billion

Look at us.

We’re all trying to stand out and be noticed.

You, with your talents.  Me with mine.

Each of us on a journey to be heard.  Listened to.  To burn brightly after igniting a spark of interest.

We’re all striking the same matches:
I HAVE WORDS I NEED TO SHARE!

Waiting to be validated by a consuming public, who cannot quench their thirst against the raging flames of entertainment.

So we pound away at the keys, telling the stories our vivid imaginations create for us, and we write the articles our fierce opinions derive, and we share the inspiration our souls have encountered.

And then we wait to be noticed by the general public.

Days.  Weeks.  Months.  Years.

Others who have gone before us and somehow managed to be a hit, surely we can too?

Slowly, our motivation turns to ash.  The embers of longing to share, die.

We wonder why we put so much heart and soul into our work, for it to fall by the wayside.

So few acknowledge our existence, even after the hours we put into our work.  We wonder how people go viral, and what on earth they’re doing different than us.
Do they have different friends?
Do they have different connections?
Do they have different methods for gaining access to the millions of people we wish were our audience, too?

…..The answer is, we’re not all pursuing the same audience.

While each of us wish to be accepted for who we are, and what we bring to the literary world, we’re still different.

We have different pursuits.

We have different goals.

We have different messages we want to send.

We tell different stories.
Somewhere along the way, writers begin to join in a uniformity, the answer must be in writing the same way?
“You must write this way/you must write that way.”
“I don’t like to do this, you probably shouldn’t either.”
“Nobody writes like that anymore.”
“I wouldn’t read it, but I guess someone else might….”

Validating ourselves against others, instead of remaining true to ourselves.

The odds feel stacked against us when our words only reach a few people sprinkled throughout the world.

Don’t stop trying, despite the odds.

Yes.  You are one in a billion.

You don’t need a million followers, you simply need to be true to yourself.

Tell your story.  And then believe your story is worth being read, and pursue the audience you long for.