I have a Name

I am someone.

I work hard every day, striving to leave a footprint behind me of morale and ethics.

I have a name, I’m not just a number.

I work hard, trying to carry myself with excellence, and yet I don’t think you see me.

Diminishing my light and silently fading to the backdrop is not my style, others should know they are valued.

And yet value is not your ethic, instead you push for productivity. Those around more have better chances of moving ahead— and I stay at the backdrop.

I put my name out there, watching others have better chances, I don’t understand why I am forgotten in the faces of the crowd.

It is a crowd. One I am silently working my way through, and have resigned to watch forget me.

I’m still here, among the forgotten, and I still have a name.

I wish you would use it at least once.

House of Dreams

The sound of a fall is heard through the entire room

It’s so empty, even whispers echo

I look about, tears brimming my eyes

This place was Home

It was my home

Fantasizing the memories I longed to have, I watch growing children chase past me

I can hear her on the phone with friends, getting ready in front of a fancy mirror. Her hair is long, she’s 13. She giggles and rolls her eyes, parting her lips to put on makeup.

He’s 15, with headphones and his door closed, I wonder what music he listens to as he lays on his bed looking at a magazine.

She’s 9, she plays with a golden dog in the backyard, before running to ask for lemonade.

Suddenly it changes, the 9 year old is dressed for prom, and walks down the stairs in her gorgeous dress.

And then again, the 13 year old has a band of giggling bridesmaids gathered around her in her old bedroom. She is dressed in white, glowing and ready for her big day to start a new life.

This was my house of dreams. Imagining fantasies that will never be memories.

It was ours. Perfect, charming…

And none of them will ever be.

I cry alone in my old house of dreams.

Tumbling

Alone.

I ache.

Inside I churn and toss.

This way– that way–

I created this merry-go-round.

Make it stop spinning,

Let me off.

A hole rests ahead.

And yet it seems a canyon.

I have been to this canyon before.

I cry out to you!

Screaming from the core of me.

Love me! All of me.

But you don’t hear me.

I am drenched in my tears.

I am alone.

The cavern in my chest collapsing around me.

Why do you abandon me?

Why don’t you seek me?

Why don’t you call to me?

Why do you leave me here?

Disconnected.

We are not One.

I am alone.

When I call to you, you silence me.

You do not reach back.

You put your hands on me.

But they don’t want my heart.

You want to connect with me in your way.

You do not find me the same.

I am alone.

Tumbling. Crumbling.

Dying.

My breath is faint within me.

I waste away.

End me.

Stop sending me tumbling.

Stop trying to hold my flesh,

While my heart bleeds out in your hands.

Rejection : The Common Core

I remember crying as you watched

My heart aching

Breaking down and not understanding why

I trusted you

I trusted you with my soul

You broke it

It’s never been the same since you

Rejection

A nine letter word, so tiny in the vernacular

And yet it shreds us to pieces

Our first rejection shadows us

Creating the lense we see ourselves through

One rejection after the next

We conclude it is us that is the problem

We cause others to deny our worth

We cry out for validation!

Validate me! Validate me!

Again and again to face rejection

The monsters enslaving us

Causing us to sin–

They rejected us first

And we reject ourselves ever since

We are not good enough

We are not intelligent

We are not beautiful

I am not beautiful

I am the itching scabs of leprosy

Oozing from the wounds that never heal

Loving the loudest

Loving the longest

Loving so no one knows this pain

Pushing away and building the walls to keep you from seeing the wounded animal I am inside

I’m terrified if you knew my pain you’d see that I’m a fraud

I am the perception Rejection has spoken over me

You create

You sing

You play

For I am unworthy to speak the voices and sing the notes of my Fantasies inside

Rejection visited me, too, and I had nowhere to hide

Friendzones and Endzones

I don’t want to fall in love with you,

But I don’t want you to love somebody else

Everything will change between us,

I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help myself.

You’re everything that means a lot to me

And I don’t ever want you to change

You’re my favorite regret

I wish I’d waited instead

You remind me what it feels like to be true to me

Please don’t go so far away

I know I can’t make you stay

I’m so scared that you’ll forget me

So please don’t forget me.

Love is weird, attraction makes us do things we’d never do

And we hide from those who remind us who we are

Struck down by things that aren’t true

Compulsive unspoken expectations creating scars

Causing us to hide away

Hide away, hide away, hide away

You’re everything that means a lot to me

And I don’t want you to change

You’re my favorite regret

I wish I’d waited on you instead

You remind me what it feels like to be true to me

Please don’t go so far away

I know I can’t make you stay

I’m so scared that you’ll forget me

Please don’t forget me and all we

Built inside together

You’re the only one who knows how deep I can doubt

I need you to remind me

This heartache won’t last forever

I’m so sorry for always pushing you out

You’re my favorite regret

I wish you’d fall for me instead

You remind me what it feels like to be true to me

Please don’t go so far away

You’re my favorite regret

I wish you’d fall for me instead

You remind me what it feels like to be true to me

Please don’t go so far away

I know I can’t make you stay

I’m so scared that you’ll forget me

I’m so scared that you’ll forget me

I’m so scared that you’ll forget me

So please don’t forget me

Faet & Fantasy : Nothing At All

“What other delights of winter am I missing out on?” Kiena asked Breigh as they sat together on her tier of the dell, legs dangling over the edge, and all the world growing silent with the coming night.

“A great many things.” Breigh smiled.

They were wrapped in blankets now, sipping warm cider. Kiena’s wings had warmed and flitted gently once in a while to circulate.

“That tells me rather little, don’t you think?” Her smile was bright, energetic in a new kind of way. Perhaps getting out more with someone new, to see the sights she’d never known before was what she’d needed all along.

Breigh’s eyes were fixed across the way, “Winter is among the most relaxing of times. There is no one else out, and you can hear the earth as it sleeps.”

“How is that, exactly? What does the sleeping earth sound like?”

“Close your eyes and listen.”

She did, a bit reluctantly, clasping her warm cup in both hands, holding it a might tighter as she looked into the darkness. “Now what?”

“Listen.”

Kiena did. Her ears sharpened, and she focused on the sounds around her. There was nothing there. Faint sounds of others laughing or talking around the dell, faint whispers of wind calling through the trees. But little else.

“I don’t hear anything.” She opened her eyes and looked at him.

“Exactly.”

Kiena laughed, “That’s all I get? There’s silence and that’s why it’s so enjoyable?”

Breigh winked at her, “Don’t tell me you don’t enjoy the silence from time to time. In fact, I think you crave it more than you wish to admit.”

“You’re not wrong. However, sometimes it’s nice to know others are around to hear you. My friends sleep during the winter.” Kiena added.

“Did you say you have friends?” Breigh cocked an eyebrow, “I was sure you said there were no friends.”

Kiena let out a laugh of disbelief, “Animals are friends, believe it or not, and I do enjoy their company.”

“I can see the appeal.”

She glanced at him a moment, soaking in the joy she felt being with him. His black hair had never been restyled after they landed, and locks had fallen out of his ponytail, swirling gently around his face once in a while when the wind blew. His crystal blue eyes turned to her, and she blushed, looking away.

He took her hand, stroking it with his thumb, “What’s wrong?”

Kiena’s lips tugged to a shy smile, “Nothing at all.”

Without hesitation, Breigh took her face in his hands, kissing her.

Taken off guard, Kiena put her hand on his wrist, and as the kiss deepened with passion, her fingers strayed to his loose strands of hair, gently weaving her fingers into it.

Breigh’s arms wrapped around her, drawing her near, and she melted into his embrace, feeling overwhelmed.

They parted and he pressed his face into her shoulder.

“Are you okay?” Kiena asked.

He pulled back, looking her in the eyes. Gentle and yet strong. Serene and yet passionate. “I am.”

Kiena felt nervousness slide into her heart. When winter was over, and his colony went home, would Breigh go with them?

Breigh noticed the change, “Are you okay?”

Kiena looked down, feeling ashamed of the brief pause, “I am.” She looked back up at him, sitting up right.

“Did I do something wrong?”

She took his hand reassuringly. “Nothing at all.”

“Kiss me again.” He said, putting his hand to her cheek, leaning in before she could respond.

Kiena melted again under his touch, a silent tear tracing her cheek as she let his nearness and warmth overpower her heart in ways she thought she’d never feel again.

The Lover

There was a Lover who created a garden.
Perfection displayed in brilliance.
To the trees He said, “Bear fruit of many kinds, for my Bride is coming, and she will need nourished.”
To the ground He said, “Bring forth vegetables to sustain her, and satisfy her hunger.”
To each plant He said, “Bring forth vitality, to protect and heal her sickness and ailment. She will find healing in you when complication may arise, and where I destine that you cannot heal her, I will renew her body.”
Then, He created and brought forth animals to be companion and friend, for cheer and play.
He looked in awe of the splendor of His hands and said, “All is ready, and it is good.”
Finally, crafting with His own hands, He formed the Glory of His Creation, His Bride, to live in the Garden He had prepared.
Together they communed in peace and happiness. The Lover had never been so full of joy….
But soon, the Bride was deceived by a great Enemy and cast out.
The Lover, broken and filled with sorrow watched as His Beloved drifted farther and farther from Him.
To the trees her offspring said, “Your fruit is too sweet and not good for our bodies, we will not consume it.” And they limited their children from it as well.
To the vegetables they said, “You are too high in starches, and the rest of you are meager. We do not wish to consume you, either.”
Turning to the beasts given by the Lover to be companions, they ate of their flesh and drank of their milk, abusing them to satisfy their thirsts and hunger.
When they became sick, and forced sickness on each other, they trampled down the plants the Lover had crafted, and said, “We will grind the rocks instead.” Pulling from mines and refining chemicals, using the waste from different sources-even from the dead, saying “surely these will heal us!” These did not heal their sickness, and made them worse. They dug for more stones and strained through more waste, and more of the dead, to find their cures.

The Lover watched as His Bride trampled down the beauty He had given them, overcome with sorrow and anger. He sent floods to wash out their crops, frost to ruin their trees, fires to burn their vineyards, storms to display His glory – but His Bride made excuses, “It is us, we have done this, our hands are causing this to happen.” Some yet said they themselves had managed to create these disasters to destroy each other.

So few turned to Him, delighting in His gifts.
To those who did He blessed them with health and peace, for they looked to Him and said, “Your Creation is enough for Me, and I will Delight in you, all of my days. I will eat and make use of your Garden. For you created the world in Perfection and I praise you for providing for My needs, and designing them by hand to prepare a place for Us, before you even made us.”

Inspiration

Three weeks ago I took my daughter to see Frozen II.

The entire Frozen series has brought me immense joy.  The characters are memorable and we adore them, the stories are full of relatable materials- and Frozen Fever is so cute.

The Dragon Prince on Netflix has also been a fun and enjoyable series to watch.  There is evil, there is sunshine, there is darkness, there is light.  It’s a journey, the characters have personalities, quirks, interests–

In Eldegras, these are qualities I wish my stories to have.  I’ve read so many fantasy books and so few of them have the same interest in their characters that I wish to have.  My rough drafts sometimes feel like scripts, as I am very invested in dialoguing and conversating.  If the characters never talk, how can we grow to love them?

The Mandalorian is on Disney+ and my author husband loves it.  However, I’ve not enjoyed it as much, because in the beginning there was a great deal of staring into nowhere and not talking.  You don’t really know what’s going on, or what they’re doing, they never say anything.  I imagine this is how many Fantasy books would play out as well.
Show don’t tell is a big thing with many writers.  Robin Hobb, RA Salvator – they go pages and pages painting the imagination with what is happening, but never interacting with the characters.  It’s frustrating!
However on the flip side, Robert Jordan popped several characters in and out of his first scene in the Wheel of Time series, and while I’m more into those kinds of memorable moments I need to remember NOT to do such things so we have a better understanding of what’s going on.
Or there is Terry Goodkind, who breaks down into an emotional scene between two women during a torture invested interrogation……

Back to Frozen and The Dragon Prince, these two joyful series alone have rekindled my imagination for my books, however, even right now as I try to compose this blog, my child is crying for my attention and I need to get up and do things.

As a mother of 3, one being 10 months old on Friday – it’s been so hard to write.  I long to express myself, but without letting the words free, they get blocked off and the inspiration dies.

Part of the long drawn out attempt to write this- it’s a fourth rewriting of this series.  After all of these years, sitting on my computer harddrive, you’d think one would be published?  No.  I’ve written and rewritten this series to the point of frustration, and let advice and opinions slip into my writing.  Being a people pleaser I’ve allowed the opinions to drown out my joy.

But Frozen is so similarly expressed with it’s characters and storytelling that I really want to pursue writing mine again.  And therefore, I am.  We’re trickling out words oh so slowly, but they’re coming!
I’m writing two in the series at the same time, and it’s been quite fun to do.  One is brand new to the series, and the other collectively rewrites about four books.  Four.

Yes, I’ve invested so much time and world building into this series, and revamped it, and am starting over on a new spark, and let me tell you everything is harder with kids and husbands!  Stopping the flow to take care of kids, stopping the trying to flow to take care of the home, stopping the flow to go shopping, to make dinner, to have space in my own head to decompress for the day–

Last night I spent some time recreating hair color.  One day a few months back, my husband was playing Fire Emblem, and I decided my high fantasy realm would be a world of unusual colors.  Hair color changes took place in my elves.

My mind is always brainstorming in this world, even if the writing is not happening.
Once a writer, always a writer.  Once an artist, always an artist.  We’re constantly enveloped in the worlds our imagination creates, this will never die within us.  The words might not come, the art might not come, but it’s always there.

What inspires you today?  What are you writing?

Faet & Fantasy : Frozen

Kiena and Breigh spent much time together over the next few weeks, as winter set deeper in. Yule would soon be approaching, which meant the moments they weren’t together, Kiena was busy planning festivities.  The fae celebrated something every few days during the holiday season, and she was continually moving to and fro with preparations.  It was becoming easier for her to create decorations while she was caught up in the motions, and the holidays did not leave her much time to spend time alone thinking.

The forest around them was covered in white.  Kiena didn’t generally do much exploring in the winter months, preferring to stay close to the dell.  While she didn’t mind the cold, she didn’t like the way her wings felt when they were cold, and it took too much time to thaw them when she arrived home again.  This did not stop Breigh from asking her to join him every chance he had.

“The sun is shining, we should take advantage of it.”  Breigh held his hand to Kiena, his eyes bright.

Kiena chuckled, his expression charming and child-like, “You’re a Winter Fae, your wings are made for the cold.  What will you do if my wings freeze?”

“I shall carry you,” he said matter-of-fact, as though he’d already planned every detail of the adventure.  “Come with me, I couldn’t trust any guidance greater than yours.”

“What do you wish to see?  The world is sleeping, and my friends sleep with it.”

“Anything, as long as it’s with you.  Come.  Go with me.”

Kiena coudn’t help feel drawn by the intensity of his gaze, she found herself taking his hand, and they flew together up and away from the dells.

Looking down at the forest, the trees were still.  Their naked branches reaching to the sky, while the ground below slept under a thick blanket of snow.  Sunlight brightened all the world, the world glaring bright back at the sky.

The river glinted, crusted in ice, as though enchanted by the Winter.  Kiena imagined what it might look like surrounded by different colored lights and decorations.

Breigh guided them as they flew, firmly holding to her hand. They followed the riverbed until the reached the waterfall.

Kiena held her breath as they approached, the view of the frozen falls causing her eyes to grow in awe and wonder.

Icicles cascaded one into another down from the cliff above.  A cave behind the water could be seen peeking through the delicate icy teeth, framed as though by magic, with an allure of grace.

Gently coming down onto a frozen plume of froth, Kiena took the sight in.

Breigh watched her intently, his gaze strong and passionate.

Reaching her hand out to touch the ice, she glanced up.  Their tiny bodies were half the size of most icicles, she felt insignificant in the  shadow of another plume of frozen froth above her.  Many of these frozen clusters splayed around them, as though floating in time and space, waiting to fly away.

“Breigh,” she breathed, awestruck.

He smiled, taking her hand, and flying upward again.  Gently guiding her, they danced in flight across, around, up and down the frozen falls.

Kiena laughed, closing her eyes to take in the feel of the brisk wind and listen to the stillness in this glorious place.

She could make out the sound of a low rumbling, as though the ice was breathing.  Her eyes glanced up, as she took over, guiding them to the top of the falls.

The mountain range grew in height beyond the lake, rocky peaks surrounded by  the skeletons of breathless trees stood about the frozen lake.  The gentle rumble caught her attention again, and Kiena let go of Breigh’s hand to light gently on the surface.  She knelt gently down, her hand stretched out to touch the ice.

“The water below is still moving,” she said, her eyes meeting his.

“It is.  The fish are alive below us.  The depth of the lake determines how frozen the water becomes.”

Kiena realized she did not know very much about winter.  Which suddenly she found odd, considering her and Rynn used to spend a great deal of time exploring.

Reaching out his hand again, Breigh beckoned her to him.

They took hands, and on the surface of the ice, Breigh began to dance.  Kiena wobbled a bit, not quite used to gliding on something so slippery and bumpy, she softly fluttered her wings to take her to her toes and hover above the ice until she got used to how it felt.

“Have you ever done something so amazing?” Breigh asked with a wide smile, clearly enchanted with Kiena.

“I have done many things, but this is not one of them.”  Kiena allowed herself to move and glide as Breigh led.

After a few more moments, Kiena began to feel a shudder in her wings.  She stumbled and fell into Breigh.

He caught her, righting her again, “Are you alright?”

“My wings,” she turned, “they’re beginning to feel the cold.”

He picked her up into his arms, “Let’s get you home.  We can come again.”  He smiled at her, before taking off again, heading back to the dell.

She found herself snuggled into his shoulder, wrapping her arms tight around him, not so much worried about falling or being dropped, but for keeping the memory close.  To cherish new experiences with a new friend and remember them with joy.

 

Dancing The Dance

I’ve been thinking of you lately

All of the things that were good

In all of the leaving it’s easy to emphasize the bad

I admit I have been angry

For all the things you misunderstood

In all of the grieving it’s easy to know why I was so mad

But, back when it all began

You held out your hand

Quietly asked of me to dance

I danced the dance for you

I took a chance

I moved away for a hopeless romance

Gave up family and friends to make you a home

In the end I’m the one to turn up alone

I took a chance for you

I danced the dance

I ran away for a hopeless romance

All of the hopeless nights ending in grace

Until you turned all my pain in my face

Left me there wondering just what I did

Tearing down walls on the lies that you hid

I was the one they cast out in the end

Dividing from me my family and friends

Once, everything was perfect

We were taking on the world

That tiny town was big enough for me

The chances were worth it

Opportunities all swirled

Until they took lonely turns dividing your company

I close my eyes and I can see

Your hand waiting for me

As you asked me to dance

I danced the dance for you

I took a chance

I moved away for a hopeless romance

Gave up family and friends to make you a home

In the end I’m the one to turn up alone

I took a chance for you

I danced the dance

I ran away for a hopeless romance

All of the hopeless nights ending in grace

Until you turned all my pain in my face

Left me there wondering just what I did

Tearing down walls on the lies that you hid

I was the one they cast out in the end

Dividing from me my family and friends

Forgiveness, I know it isn’t easy

You didn’t even strive to deserve me

Spending all of your time lying

Chasing away the chance to win me back

But in the end I still remember when you asked me to dance

But how can I be angry after all of these years

Why am I still wasting all of these tears

You’ve gone away and God closed the door

Leaving me there alone on the dance floor