Finding Love Again

Just when a broken, frustrated heart wants to throw in the towel, love can come from the most unexpected of places.

Life kick-dropped you to your knees, all one can do is breathe around the pain.

On the edge of a parking garage, temptation reaches out – it whispers to jump.  Tears roll slowly down your cheeks as you consider who would actually miss you.

No one. The voice in your head assures.

Closing your eyes, two small children flash through your mind. Almost convinced they won’t even remember you in three years.

The person you chose to marry is a selfish liar.  Your heart screams for hope.  But hope has faded.

What once was yours, belongs to someone else.

All of the dreams you had, lay desolate as wasted space in your head.

Darkness clouds your hopes, you gave up on wishing for this to be different.

However, something keeps you from jumping tonight, and you return home to the baby who needs to nurse and the toddler who screams for their grandma instead of you.

Lonely nights in an empty bed, lying next to shadows on the wall.  Anxiety imagines they’re alive.  Anxiety fed to you by the man who says he loves you.

The same one who neglects his children and only needs you when it conveniences him.

As life continues to turn to rust, the bridge down the street calls out.  You imagine the water embracing your weary soul as it runs steady along the edge of another lonely town.

And that’s when you cry out for help.

The holidays pass.  The following year does not improve, and you find yourself standing on that brink again.

In your weakest moment, a hand stretches out, beckoning you from the brink of catastrophe.

A voice of reason and hope snaps you into reality.

Strength gently draws at you.  A promise that you’re going to be okay.

Two very specific prayers reach the Heavens, and within the next few weeks, you’re moving out of the darkness into a field of sunlight you didn’t even know exists.

Fear. Guilt. Anxiety. Each demon gnaws at you, pressing you to turn back.

The hope and love you found?  You’re not deserving of them. The voices snarl.  You’re an adulterated whore who “gave up”.  What makes you think you’re allowed to be happy without him?  The man who says he loves you?  The one you married?

Wrestling with searing guilt, doubt rises.  You question the God who rescued you.  You question your worth while holding the hand of the one who called you out of the darkness.

Gentle assurance warms your heart.  Love peaks for the first time.  Hope for a future where you’re adored.

After being used and forgotten.  Manipulated.  Tormented with fear.  Riddled by anxiety.  Reasoned into doubting good people exist.  Convinced people are watching your every move.  Terrified by suggestions put in your head.  Lied to countless times.  Blindsided. Emptied out and frail.


Degraded.  Berated. Forced to swallow your own hurt to take on someone elses.  Never being good enough. Questioning your worth.  Ignored.  Looked over.


What hope does a shattered soul have left for themselves, when everyone succeded to take it away?

Making excuses for the people who hurt them.  Trying to change and forced back by someones illusion of authority.

How terrifying it is to be left weak and helpless.

Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Someone to hope for me, when I didn’t want to hold on anymore.

Someone to persuade my worth was greater than I believed and I was worth holding on to.  Even when it hurt him.

How difficult it was to step out of the box and believe God wanted more for me than the mess I made for myself.

We are not without Hope.  The struggle is real.  But it’s inevitable that this broken heart was meant for more.

And love got me through.  Love I felt unworthy of.  Love that was persistent and strong enough to hold me, when I couldn’t hold myself.

That man who became my best friend, gave my broken heart something to live for.

Me.  My purpose.  My hope.  My own strength.

Nurturing and growing me when I had given up on my own dreams.

I struggled long and hard with the views of God we all know.  God hates Divorce.  God hates adultery.  God hates sin.

Yes.  It’s true.  He does not like these things.

But he is also a loving God, and does not want us to live abused and neglected.

I prayed specifically for God to remove me from the marriage I hated.

He did.

What do you need from God?

Awakening To Light 

Behind me lies a dark forest

I was trapped with no way out for so long

When a soft glimmer of light  caught my eye

Tearing through thorny bushes I tracked it

Urgency pounded in my chest as each step took me closer to the edge of the forest

Who knew an edge existed?

Who knew the darkness wasn’t where I belonged?

I escaped to breathe fresh air and dance in cool grass

But the wounds from the thorn bushes reminded me that I did not belong in this pasture

I turned back to the forest, armed with a tiny sword

Monsters jumped me when I went back

Ones I never knew were there before 

Slaying the monsters was impossible

They were stronger and greater than I

My sword broke and I ran

Vines crept out and tangled around my ankle, their thorns biting my flesh

I looked around alone, having been warned this was foolish

Frantically I used what was left of my sword to cut the vines from my ankles

As the monsters came screaming I ran from the forest and back out into the sun

The beasts growled angrily, afraid of the light trying to trap me with their wiles

Words were futile

While I was a bleeding, broken mess my resolve was never stronger

I was not going back.

Little Miss Muffet

Little miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

Eating her cottage cheese.

Along came a spider, that sat down beside her

And ravaged her with his greed.
The little girl wept, alone and bereft

Awaiting to be normal again

But alone on her tuffet, she became a buffet

For spiders washed out by the rain
Sometime later, prince charming did save her

And plucked her up from her demise.

She was lonlier then, than ever had been

And left the wolf in disguise.
Tumbling weary, her sight going bleary,

She accepted her heart was no good for love.

The past that shaped her, made her run from any savior

Who might come to her side to help her rise above

Helpless Dependent

 I made the choice to change my whole life

Remember it as I hold this trembling knife

Drag it across my skin, then go and put it down again.

I’m not evicted from my home

I just choose to be alone

We all got away, from all the lonely pain

But this is not what I’d expected

This is not how it should have ended
I’ll pretend to be okay

If it gets me through this lonely today

I can paint a smile

And I can laugh for a little while

Make this moment melt away

Until I make it to you to stay

Forbid that I should die alone

I can’t do this on my own

Help me up when I’m not strong

This crashing down is dragging me along

A Millers Daughter

Spinning wheels crumbling

Baskets of gold go tumbling

The Millers Daughter goes back to rags

Not even a glimmering strain

 No chainlinks of hope remain

Cast out she goes among the hags

Rumplestiltskin is a liar

She is marched to a pyre

Poor Millers Daughter, taking the blame

Who could blame her hoping

To be more than blindly groping

Desiring to come out above her Fated lot

And now it seems Fate betrayed her

Rumplestiltskin was no savior

Cackling bystander mock what she is not

Broken lady, enslaved in grief

May your painful fate be brief

May there be mourning when you are found

Abandon hope Millers Daughter

Your kind has litte hope of Honor

A Sinners grave the final empty mocking ground

Ashes

Pretty things all turn to ashes

Chopped up, broken, rust and scratches

Everything must come to an end.

And seen through the glass

Only shadows now pass

Unaware of the loss of a friend.

Despair reaches icy fingers

Where hopeless thought lingers

Playing the songs of the dead.

Biting cold steel

Reminds I can feel

And the carpet dries in red.

Hell, the gates that bind me hence,
and without pity bar my soul.
That I should endure this fate no more!
Resigned to misery, must it be?

Where are they who would rescue?
Do they mock my place as well?
Braking,  broken, I succumb.
This endless chaos swallows me whole.

What have I done to deserve it?
Why are my prayers never heard?
Foresaken I mourn without a savior,
This cage won’t let me free.