Finding Love Again

Just when a broken, frustrated heart wants to throw in the towel, love can come from the most unexpected of places.

Life kick-dropped you to your knees, all one can do is breathe around the pain.

On the edge of a parking garage, temptation reaches out – it whispers to jump.  Tears roll slowly down your cheeks as you consider who would actually miss you.

No one. The voice in your head assures.

Closing your eyes, two small children flash through your mind. Almost convinced they won’t even remember you in three years.

The person you chose to marry is a selfish liar.  Your heart screams for hope.  But hope has faded.

What once was yours, belongs to someone else.

All of the dreams you had, lay desolate as wasted space in your head.

Darkness clouds your hopes, you gave up on wishing for this to be different.

However, something keeps you from jumping tonight, and you return home to the baby who needs to nurse and the toddler who screams for their grandma instead of you.

Lonely nights in an empty bed, lying next to shadows on the wall.  Anxiety imagines they’re alive.  Anxiety fed to you by the man who says he loves you.

The same one who neglects his children and only needs you when it conveniences him.

As life continues to turn to rust, the bridge down the street calls out.  You imagine the water embracing your weary soul as it runs steady along the edge of another lonely town.

And that’s when you cry out for help.

The holidays pass.  The following year does not improve, and you find yourself standing on that brink again.

In your weakest moment, a hand stretches out, beckoning you from the brink of catastrophe.

A voice of reason and hope snaps you into reality.

Strength gently draws at you.  A promise that you’re going to be okay.

Two very specific prayers reach the Heavens, and within the next few weeks, you’re moving out of the darkness into a field of sunlight you didn’t even know exists.

Fear. Guilt. Anxiety. Each demon gnaws at you, pressing you to turn back.

The hope and love you found?  You’re not deserving of them. The voices snarl.  You’re an adulterated whore who “gave up”.  What makes you think you’re allowed to be happy without him?  The man who says he loves you?  The one you married?

Wrestling with searing guilt, doubt rises.  You question the God who rescued you.  You question your worth while holding the hand of the one who called you out of the darkness.

Gentle assurance warms your heart.  Love peaks for the first time.  Hope for a future where you’re adored.

After being used and forgotten.  Manipulated.  Tormented with fear.  Riddled by anxiety.  Reasoned into doubting good people exist.  Convinced people are watching your every move.  Terrified by suggestions put in your head.  Lied to countless times.  Blindsided. Emptied out and frail.


Degraded.  Berated. Forced to swallow your own hurt to take on someone elses.  Never being good enough. Questioning your worth.  Ignored.  Looked over.


What hope does a shattered soul have left for themselves, when everyone succeded to take it away?

Making excuses for the people who hurt them.  Trying to change and forced back by someones illusion of authority.

How terrifying it is to be left weak and helpless.

Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Someone to hope for me, when I didn’t want to hold on anymore.

Someone to persuade my worth was greater than I believed and I was worth holding on to.  Even when it hurt him.

How difficult it was to step out of the box and believe God wanted more for me than the mess I made for myself.

We are not without Hope.  The struggle is real.  But it’s inevitable that this broken heart was meant for more.

And love got me through.  Love I felt unworthy of.  Love that was persistent and strong enough to hold me, when I couldn’t hold myself.

That man who became my best friend, gave my broken heart something to live for.

Me.  My purpose.  My hope.  My own strength.

Nurturing and growing me when I had given up on my own dreams.

I struggled long and hard with the views of God we all know.  God hates Divorce.  God hates adultery.  God hates sin.

Yes.  It’s true.  He does not like these things.

But he is also a loving God, and does not want us to live abused and neglected.

I prayed specifically for God to remove me from the marriage I hated.

He did.

What do you need from God?

Free Falling

The Fear shakes me to my core

I’m falling without support

I have come undone

It’s too late to tell

How far I already fell

I cry out in desperate needing

Can anyone stop this bleeding

Alone I watch my whole world fade

Grounding wires help me find the way

On them I tripped

Carelessly I slipped

Nothing makes sense anymore

I must be Braver than before

Closing my eyes to block out the sound

Suddenly I can feel the ground

Stranger In My Eyes

Large blue eyes stare blankly in the mirror.  Whatever are they searching for?

They’re encumbered in somber dullness.  The gaze drifting lifelessly to other realms.

Capsized in a Universe of thought, stuck in a loop to repeat the painful moments over and over.

Just when everything felt Right it crashed down.

Just when the world began to make sense, like a card tower the pieces just blew away.

It all scattered to the wind when the fray of tempests began to creep in.

The gaze staring back in large blue eyes, cries out for help.  Like a scream from my soul, drowning in the blue of the ocean.

Happiness, what faulty prey, to waste your hopes on emotions.  Clearly passive strength will only last for so long before the tides topple it over.

As the mushroom cloud begins to subside, golden rain pours down to eat away my fleshly sorrows.

And still the reflection stares, begging to understand.  Begging that some kind of Hope will ring true in all the tipsy-turvy.

For I will not return home.  I cannot.  I was dead and alone.  Buried in my empty dreams.

At least there is breath in my lungs.  A chance to start over.  A chance to taste freedom from this cold, dark cage I once lived in.

Shall I be free again?  Remain so?

I cannot tell.  For my eyes dull their shine to Remember.  Oh I remember still.

Missing You

I’m missing you tonight.  And all the little things we used to do.

I’m stuck inside the memories, leaving a gaping hole inside my heart.  One where you should be.

I’m missing you tonight.  And all the rainy days, the sunny days, the cold and windy lonely days, we spent inside your house at night, eating cereal on the kitchen counter while a light shone in from the living room.

The time we poured coffee through the coffee maker.

The time you lost your gas cap, we drove back to find it.  It had been run over at the stoplight so you had to buy a new one.

Trying on dresses at the department stores, fanticizing glamor for the future.

We said we’d be sisters forever.  Forever came to an end too soon.

And I’m missing you so dearly.  The hole in my heart I can’t ignore much longer.

I’ve cried so many times wishing for your company, but I know those days are gone.

 

We’ve grown up, and you’ve moved on.

Even now, I hope you know I still love you, and I miss you, and I wish you ever so much happiness.  I hope he gives you the joy you need, and I’m sorry I missed out on the good times, the hard times, the most important loving times.  You two went through so much and I was so far away.

Now here I am with two kids.  You’re off to new adventures, new friends and family to join you.

Here in my lonely memories, I still hold onto the times we had even though the memories they make me sad.

I want you to know I’ll always be right here if you ever decided to come back my way.  I know it won’t be the same, those days are long behind us, and the future has no room for two little girls with adventures in their dreams.

I had only ever hoped you’d share those adventures with me.

 

Lonely Black Bird

I see your unshed tears sitting behind your eyes.  The sorrow overwhelming your heavy heart.
Let go of the burden and take my hands.  They’re empty, they’re ready, they’re yours.
Little black bird, flightless and weak, don’t let this hurricane drown you.
Though you’re tossed in the wind, and your feathers are damp, I promise your wings will dry.
The sun is always shining-though sometimes only above the clouds.
We’re all caught in this everlasting Wheel, sometimes spinning out of control.
Stop the endless despair and stretch your hand out for someone reach.
Don’t go it alone.  Let us protect you.
Let us in.  Here, let me show you the way.

Writing Prompt Response

Writing prompt: In 500 words, There’s an island where all lost things end up.  Today, you wake up, cold and wet, on the beach of that island.

I always knew something was wrong with me. From the moment I started to cry as a baby, to the moment I laid down to sleep last night.
The voices of my parents never quite matched the rumblings of murmurs I had heard in my nine months of watery incubation. Between being born, and going to the hospital nursery, I had somehow ended up with the wrong family.
I’d been lost my entire childhood. I was lost during the trying adolescent years when I started to realize I looked nothing like my brothers.
Some people say it was “adoption”, irregardless, I call it lost.
Especially when I opened my eyes an hour ago to find myself in a place cluttered in lonely socks and other miscellanious items.
All your life, you wonder where mismatched socks, bobby pins, hair ties, buttons, shoes, slippers, and family pets end up. Well, wonder no more – they still exist, stranded on a surreal island in the middle of nowhere.
After blinking several times, relentlessly pinching my arm, and roughly smacking myself across the face once or twice, I decided to spend my time a bit more productively and find out where the heck I was, and if I was the only one here.
“Have you seen Joe?” I heard a voice ask.
“Shelley? Shelley where did you go?” Another cried from somewhere behind me.
It was certainly an odd sight, the endless piles of things scattered about everywhere.
A dog ran past my legs, bumping into me as he went. He was shaggy and gray, with a floppy ear hanging down, and the other perked, listening. Barking this way and that as he threw his head side to side, looking for something.
I knew a great deal about what that was like. The anxious pounding of the heart, as you plow through a crowd of people trying to find something—
The voices caught my attention again as someone else called out for Frank.
Curiosity piqued, I hurried in the direction of the voice.
For being an island of lost things, you will immediately understand the irony which ensued, as I /never/ found the sources which belonged to the voices I heard.
I pursued them until I felt my sanity begin to drain from me. The oddest part of all was the magical sort of “poof” sound that happened right after their cries cheered up.
Cheered up. That was the best way to put it. Almost as though they had been found again, and no longer needed to be here.
Some people try to “find” love, others try to “find” God. In a way, everyone feels just as lost as I do. At least, in one way or another. Unfortunately, I had never known the cheer I’ve just described to you. Nobody has ever made me as happy as the voices that have come and gone in the last two hours.
I wonder how people end up here anyway. In fact, as I stand on this strange island now, I still want to know how on earth *I* got here….. I wasn’t /really/ lost, I was just trying to get from 52nd street to Broadway, and stopped to ask for directions.

The Color of Rain

I’d rather stay inside and watch from afar
To stay far away, so you can’t see my scar
I’d rather keep quiet when you’re all around
Than to ever let on my ships run aground
Isolate myself with my insecurity
Surrender myself to the absurdity
That I will eventually be okay.

I like to cry alone when no one can hear
I like to drown out alone with my fear
Wherever I go, I know I can paint a smile for you
I’ll tell you I’m fine, although all the while, it’s true
I’m dying inside, a little more each time I’m with you.

Confident I collapse to my anxiety
Hoping that somehow you’ll hear me
The emptiness inside suffocates my heart
Will anyone come and break me apart?
Break me apart to let me out

Isolated willingly by all my doubt and fear
Wishing somehow someone might see me here
Reach deep inside, and draw me out
Can anyone come and sate this drought?