Awakening To Light 

Behind me lies a dark forest

I was trapped with no way out for so long

When a soft glimmer of light  caught my eye

Tearing through thorny bushes I tracked it

Urgency pounded in my chest as each step took me closer to the edge of the forest

Who knew an edge existed?

Who knew the darkness wasn’t where I belonged?

I escaped to breathe fresh air and dance in cool grass

But the wounds from the thorn bushes reminded me that I did not belong in this pasture

I turned back to the forest, armed with a tiny sword

Monsters jumped me when I went back

Ones I never knew were there before 

Slaying the monsters was impossible

They were stronger and greater than I

My sword broke and I ran

Vines crept out and tangled around my ankle, their thorns biting my flesh

I looked around alone, having been warned this was foolish

Frantically I used what was left of my sword to cut the vines from my ankles

As the monsters came screaming I ran from the forest and back out into the sun

The beasts growled angrily, afraid of the light trying to trap me with their wiles

Words were futile

While I was a bleeding, broken mess my resolve was never stronger

I was not going back.

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The Color of Rain

I’d rather stay inside and watch from afar
To stay far away, so you can’t see my scar
I’d rather keep quiet when you’re all around
Than to ever let on my ships run aground
Isolate myself with my insecurity
Surrender myself to the absurdity
That I will eventually be okay.

I like to cry alone when no one can hear
I like to drown out alone with my fear
Wherever I go, I know I can paint a smile for you
I’ll tell you I’m fine, although all the while, it’s true
I’m dying inside, a little more each time I’m with you.

Confident I collapse to my anxiety
Hoping that somehow you’ll hear me
The emptiness inside suffocates my heart
Will anyone come and break me apart?
Break me apart to let me out

Isolated willingly by all my doubt and fear
Wishing somehow someone might see me here
Reach deep inside, and draw me out
Can anyone come and sate this drought?

Lost Without You

I wait for you to hear me.  To listen to my heart.  To reach out to me and love me.  But you wont, and I fall apart.
I wait for you to come.  Silently. Endlessly.  Instead you manage your own life.  You don’t notice me as I fall apart.

The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep, why can’t you be here?

What is love if only one is taking care of it?  Why is it so easy for you to miss what’s going on?
Have you even noticed that we’ve drifted apart?  Why is it so easy for you to only miss me when you’re gone?
I sit beside you listening to you ramble into the night.  You haven’t once stopped to see if I care.  Is it that great to hear yourself talk?  As I drown in your words, waiting for you to come up for air.

The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep, why are you even here?

Alone, alone I cry out for you.  But you can’t hear me anymore.  It makes me wonder if you ever did before, how can we take much more?  This ship is running into the shore again.

How does it sound to hear yourself talk?  Did it ever occur to you that I might need to, too.
How does it feel to be by yourself on this walk?
Did it ever occur to you?  Did it ever occur to you?

The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep…
The screaming of my silence is lost upon your ears.  You fill the gaps with meaningless conversation, missing all my tears.  Shrouded in this emptiness, wishing you were here.  I hold myself as I rock to sleep, why can’t you be here?
Why can’t you be here?

Writers Block

For some reason, I’m suffering from unshakeable depression.  It’s as though there’s an unsatiable chasm in my chest, draining away all of my energy, creativity, and distorting all of my emotions.
This is also affecting my ability to write, and make beautiful things come to life in words.  Which causes further frustration, leading to more wilting away of self.
I’m finally home with my husband again – there’s no desire or longing for our relationship to improve, I wonder why it even exists.
I’m finally back in my house, to do as I please – and the reminders that I am literally alone in this empty part of the country creep in, shadowing the gratitude I have to being home.
I’m finally able to sit down and write my story for an upcoming anthology – and nothing feels right.  Nothing desires to be written.  The story I am working on I am going to shelve, and see if something else comes up.  I have until mid-May, surely there’s a story floating out there wishing to be told.  I hope very much that it jumps into my head and allows me to bear it witness.
Story telling is my life.  Without it I am nothing.  My religious convictions are my life, without them I am nothing.
Today, I lie in bed – my mother tending my son, both thinking I am asleep – as my emptiness lends to the withering of my soul.  I must find something to slay the beast, in order to perk my spirits!  Alas, is this depression debilitating.
And I roll over, closing my eyes, wishing the world away.

Hell, the gates that bind me hence,
and without pity bar my soul.
That I should endure this fate no more!
Resigned to misery, must it be?

Where are they who would rescue?
Do they mock my place as well?
Braking,  broken, I succumb.
This endless chaos swallows me whole.

What have I done to deserve it?
Why are my prayers never heard?
Foresaken I mourn without a savior,
This cage won’t let me free.

Broken Dreams

Last night I had a dream about you and I.  You were living in your life, and I in mine.

You represented all that I am going through now.  And it hurt.

All I wanted was you.  All I’d ever wanted was you.
You just never wanted me the same.

In this dream while we danced in our own separate lives, you raising your kids, and I raising mine, you were happy.  You didn’t want to leave.  You had found all that you were looking for, and I was still lonely.

What broken mess that I encounter, the tears they were so bitter.

All I wished for has never come true.  And I wait for the day that I will find such happiness that brightens up you.