Faet & Fantasy : Starlight

After dinner, Breigh and Kiena left the party so they could find a quiet place to talk.

Breigh’s eyes watched her with purpose, as though memorizing all of her features. The intensity took Kiena by surprise, and she did her best to keep her eyes from meeting his.

A dark lock of hair fell into his face, which he attempted to tuck behind his ear as he looked away into the starlight. “I think the snow looks best when gently lit by the night sky.”

Kiena’s lips drew gently to the side as she took in the view, “Night is my favorite time of all. Who can sleep through this amazing view?” She laughed, “I will never understand those who go to sleep early to rise before the sun. They miss the best hours of the night. How do they ever see the stars? How can they truly enjoy the moonlight?”

“I suppose we will never know. Though I do agree with you.” Breigh slipped into a moment of contemplative silence.

A breeze gently stirred the air around them, like the forest let out a soft exhale into the stillness. It swirled her hair just enough to take it into her eyes. She brushed the hair to the side of her face, before feeling Breigh’s eyes on her again. Shyly Kiena turned to look at him, curious to watch his expression as he adored her.

“You’re beautiful,” he said softly. “The moonlight gives your dark hair a silver glow. I have thought this many times, though never said it.”

Kiena’s heart fluttered for a moment as she nervously curled her shoulders in. Her thoughts turned to the nervous fluttering in her stomach, hoping it would go away.

Breigh continued, “I also want you to know, the way you give of yourself to bring joy to everyone else is admirable.”

She smiled, turning to meet his eyes, “Thank you.”

“Don’t let it rob you though, Kiena.” His gaze became concerned, as he reached out to brush her cheek with the back of his hand. “You need someone to lean on, too. You give to everyone else, but rarely have I noticed you receiving.”

Tears threatened to flood her vision as she turned away, suddenly thinking of Rynn. “I had a friend,” her voice a mere whisper as she blinked several times. “I didn’t know I would ever need another.”

She felt his warm hand light on hers, his fingers soft and gentle as they curled around hers. Her eyes looked to it, a gentle sniff followed the first silent tear.

“Everyone needs a friend, my dear,” Breigh responded sympathetically.

There was truth in his statement, Kiena did not deny this. The truth could not keep her from looking back to remember, though. “There was one person who knew me best. We did everything together. He was my dearest and closest of friends.” She looked out at the forest beyond the dell, to a world she used to explore tiny patches at a time with Rynn. “We were inseparable, though I don’t deny we had our disagreements. And after he was married and moved on to a new place where I could not follow- well, in short I didn’t know how deeply a heart could shatter until then.” By now the tears were freely flowing down her cheeks. “After I had given so freely of my heart, and trusted so deeply with my soul, there wasn’t a reason to find someone else to share it with, no one else who would understand quite the same.”

“I think you give your colony very little credit,” his voice remained gentle, though Kiena detected a hint of a tease.

Biting back the ache in her chest, where once she had felt complete, Kiena nodded, but didn’t respond.

“It’s okay,” Breigh spoke again after another moment of silence. “You don’t have to tell me anything. And I’m sorry I made you cry.” He turned her chin to look at her. “You can tell me in your time. Until then, I hope to ease the ache in your heart and make those eyes of yours shine again. As they always should.”

Comforted by his words, Kiena tightened her fingers around his hand, and followed through with the compulsive thought to lean her head in his shoulder.

They sat together like this for a long while in the comfort of silence under the draw of brilliant darkness watching the stars shine.

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Faet & Fantasy: Dark Blue

Time was counting down as Kiena finished getting ready for the banquet.  She had picked a dark blue dress that gently sparkled when light caught it.  As she looked into the mirror, a brief memory rushed to her mind of Rynn.

“Blue is your color,” his eyes smiled as he spoke the words.

Gazing at her reflection, she tried to make the memory pass before it crept into her heart and made her cry.  Kiena turned quickly to the window, touching the glass.  The glass fogged under the warmth of her finger tips.

“I miss you, old friend,”  She whispered, closing her eyes and letting the cold permeate her fingers, the sensation reaching to her wrist.

It was better to feel the cold, than heartache.  Perhaps that’s why she loved winter so much?  The cold created a numbness that one constantly needed to fight in order to survive, leaving little room to feel emotion.  Winter Fae were not so touched by the cold, and she being half-winter thoroughly enjoyed the cold.

Regaining her countenance, Kiena noticed Breigh flying toward her ledge.  Suddenly her heart beat felt as though it would fly from her chest.  She hadn’t expected to feel so off-guard just watching him.

The moment of sadness instantly vanished, leaving Kiena in twisted nervous knots as she opened to door to Breigh.

His eyes sparkled, smiling brightly as he took her in, “Kiena, you look brilliant.”  He extended his arm to her, “Shall we?”

She reached for his arm, a new feeling of joy reaching into her heart as he led her out the door, and into the beautiful winter twilight.

Never Ending Fantasies

What do you do when you figure out you missed it?
How do you pick up the pieces when you realize it’s never going to be the same it could have been?

Trust is meaningless. Hope is frail. Illusions of a dream never meant to come true.

Prince Charming is a joke. Love is elusive, meant for tales we weave beyond our woes.

Dreamers exist to brighten the world with fallacies. We lose ourselves in the romance of fantasy.

Dreams and wishes our hearts make put us fast to sleep, slumbering in clouds to escape reality.

Reading ourselves stories to brighten the night, where every happy ending is true. For who reads to remind themself life is frail?

And now broken love remains. A light to shine out to the others, perhaps someone might be cheered from this endless gloom.

Take heart, hope at least burns for someone. It doesn’t mean reality gets better. But at least you know someone cares. I can care enough for you when you lose sight of yourself.

A Letter to God

Dear God, it’s me.

I don’t know if you remember who I am. But I remember you.

I’ve kind of fallen back, and as I’ve fallen, found my faith gone slack.

I’m trying to find who I am, out of who I used to be.

Times have changed. I’m divorced, but I’m still a parent, and I’m about to be a bride again.

I’m afraid of your grace, and your judgement. Trying to find your plan in all of this– it isn’t easy to set aside all that I’ve been taught, and trust you.

I want to trust you, but every time I do, something seems to go wrong. Do I do it?

I’ve not been looking for you, while I’m finding myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with my failing heart, losing hold of everything I love.

Motivation, desire…. I fade slowly into nothing. The corner of the room is right where I fit best, self-inflicted woes to bear my scars out loud.

This is not who I was, and it’s not who I want to be– help change me to who I am meant to be. Because all I know is I want more than this hollowed shell I’m existing in.

Consume me. Make me yours.

For Freedom

Little One,

Why do you faint with exhaustion and worry?

Whyever do you doubt when it’s clear I love you?

You have been set Free, so why are you dismayed?  Why so downcast my child?

There is nothing for you to fear or worry over.  It’s finished.  I’ve got you.

Wasting away, locking inside your head, all you do is wither.

You’re so talented.  You’re smart.  You’re funny.  Your amusement in the strange things is how I wired you.  Your joy in the little things is how I created you.

Your heart waits to blossom, and yet you don’t let it.

Rejoice!  You have been made new.

I do not punish you.  You hinder yourself.

Break out of your shell and rejoice.

The newness of Life waits for you to indulge.  Love it.  Run with it.

Trust, little one.  Just trust.

Accept that I know what is best for you, and run with it.

Brave

Go.

Simple.  Easy even.

Just go.

I hear it in a gentle, quiet voice.

Run.  Free.  Brave.  Bold.

Why is this so hard?

I deserve it.

Or do I?

Can I?

Why am I still fighting?

A battle I can’t win.

Go,  I hear.

Just go.

I can go.  I will go.  I must!

……if I don’t, does that make me a coward?

If I do, does that mean I’m free?

Do I deserve freedom?

I can go.  I will. I must.

Running wild, with hope and abandon.

Lover, I greet you in the morning.

Together we pursue a life ahead.

In the morning we hasten.

A new life, together, to begin.

Finding Love Again

Just when a broken, frustrated heart wants to throw in the towel, love can come from the most unexpected of places.

Life kick-dropped you to your knees, all one can do is breathe around the pain.

On the edge of a parking garage, temptation reaches out – it whispers to jump.  Tears roll slowly down your cheeks as you consider who would actually miss you.

No one. The voice in your head assures.

Closing your eyes, two small children flash through your mind. Almost convinced they won’t even remember you in three years.

The person you chose to marry is a selfish liar.  Your heart screams for hope.  But hope has faded.

What once was yours, belongs to someone else.

All of the dreams you had, lay desolate as wasted space in your head.

Darkness clouds your hopes, you gave up on wishing for this to be different.

However, something keeps you from jumping tonight, and you return home to the baby who needs to nurse and the toddler who screams for their grandma instead of you.

Lonely nights in an empty bed, lying next to shadows on the wall.  Anxiety imagines they’re alive.  Anxiety fed to you by the man who says he loves you.

The same one who neglects his children and only needs you when it conveniences him.

As life continues to turn to rust, the bridge down the street calls out.  You imagine the water embracing your weary soul as it runs steady along the edge of another lonely town.

And that’s when you cry out for help.

The holidays pass.  The following year does not improve, and you find yourself standing on that brink again.

In your weakest moment, a hand stretches out, beckoning you from the brink of catastrophe.

A voice of reason and hope snaps you into reality.

Strength gently draws at you.  A promise that you’re going to be okay.

Two very specific prayers reach the Heavens, and within the next few weeks, you’re moving out of the darkness into a field of sunlight you didn’t even know exists.

Fear. Guilt. Anxiety. Each demon gnaws at you, pressing you to turn back.

The hope and love you found?  You’re not deserving of them. The voices snarl.  You’re an adulterated whore who “gave up”.  What makes you think you’re allowed to be happy without him?  The man who says he loves you?  The one you married?

Wrestling with searing guilt, doubt rises.  You question the God who rescued you.  You question your worth while holding the hand of the one who called you out of the darkness.

Gentle assurance warms your heart.  Love peaks for the first time.  Hope for a future where you’re adored.

After being used and forgotten.  Manipulated.  Tormented with fear.  Riddled by anxiety.  Reasoned into doubting good people exist.  Convinced people are watching your every move.  Terrified by suggestions put in your head.  Lied to countless times.  Blindsided. Emptied out and frail.


Degraded.  Berated. Forced to swallow your own hurt to take on someone elses.  Never being good enough. Questioning your worth.  Ignored.  Looked over.


What hope does a shattered soul have left for themselves, when everyone succeded to take it away?

Making excuses for the people who hurt them.  Trying to change and forced back by someones illusion of authority.

How terrifying it is to be left weak and helpless.

Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Someone to hope for me, when I didn’t want to hold on anymore.

Someone to persuade my worth was greater than I believed and I was worth holding on to.  Even when it hurt him.

How difficult it was to step out of the box and believe God wanted more for me than the mess I made for myself.

We are not without Hope.  The struggle is real.  But it’s inevitable that this broken heart was meant for more.

And love got me through.  Love I felt unworthy of.  Love that was persistent and strong enough to hold me, when I couldn’t hold myself.

That man who became my best friend, gave my broken heart something to live for.

Me.  My purpose.  My hope.  My own strength.

Nurturing and growing me when I had given up on my own dreams.

I struggled long and hard with the views of God we all know.  God hates Divorce.  God hates adultery.  God hates sin.

Yes.  It’s true.  He does not like these things.

But he is also a loving God, and does not want us to live abused and neglected.

I prayed specifically for God to remove me from the marriage I hated.

He did.

What do you need from God?