A Letter to God

Dear God, it’s me.

I don’t know if you remember who I am. But I remember you.

I’ve kind of fallen back, and as I’ve fallen, found my faith gone slack.

I’m trying to find who I am, out of who I used to be.

Times have changed. I’m divorced, but I’m still a parent, and I’m about to be a bride again.

I’m afraid of your grace, and your judgement. Trying to find your plan in all of this– it isn’t easy to set aside all that I’ve been taught, and trust you.

I want to trust you, but every time I do, something seems to go wrong. Do I do it?

I’ve not been looking for you, while I’m finding myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with my failing heart, losing hold of everything I love.

Motivation, desire…. I fade slowly into nothing. The corner of the room is right where I fit best, self-inflicted woes to bear my scars out loud.

This is not who I was, and it’s not who I want to be– help change me to who I am meant to be. Because all I know is I want more than this hollowed shell I’m existing in.

Consume me. Make me yours.

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For Freedom

Little One,

Why do you faint with exhaustion and worry?

Whyever do you doubt when it’s clear I love you?

You have been set Free, so why are you dismayed?  Why so downcast my child?

There is nothing for you to fear or worry over.  It’s finished.  I’ve got you.

Wasting away, locking inside your head, all you do is wither.

You’re so talented.  You’re smart.  You’re funny.  Your amusement in the strange things is how I wired you.  Your joy in the little things is how I created you.

Your heart waits to blossom, and yet you don’t let it.

Rejoice!  You have been made new.

I do not punish you.  You hinder yourself.

Break out of your shell and rejoice.

The newness of Life waits for you to indulge.  Love it.  Run with it.

Trust, little one.  Just trust.

Accept that I know what is best for you, and run with it.

Brave

Go.

Simple.  Easy even.

Just go.

I hear it in a gentle, quiet voice.

Run.  Free.  Brave.  Bold.

Why is this so hard?

I deserve it.

Or do I?

Can I?

Why am I still fighting?

A battle I can’t win.

Go,  I hear.

Just go.

I can go.  I will go.  I must!

……if I don’t, does that make me a coward?

If I do, does that mean I’m free?

Do I deserve freedom?

I can go.  I will. I must.

Running wild, with hope and abandon.

Lover, I greet you in the morning.

Together we pursue a life ahead.

In the morning we hasten.

A new life, together, to begin.

Finding Love Again

Just when a broken, frustrated heart wants to throw in the towel, love can come from the most unexpected of places.

Life kick-dropped you to your knees, all one can do is breathe around the pain.

On the edge of a parking garage, temptation reaches out – it whispers to jump.  Tears roll slowly down your cheeks as you consider who would actually miss you.

No one. The voice in your head assures.

Closing your eyes, two small children flash through your mind. Almost convinced they won’t even remember you in three years.

The person you chose to marry is a selfish liar.  Your heart screams for hope.  But hope has faded.

What once was yours, belongs to someone else.

All of the dreams you had, lay desolate as wasted space in your head.

Darkness clouds your hopes, you gave up on wishing for this to be different.

However, something keeps you from jumping tonight, and you return home to the baby who needs to nurse and the toddler who screams for their grandma instead of you.

Lonely nights in an empty bed, lying next to shadows on the wall.  Anxiety imagines they’re alive.  Anxiety fed to you by the man who says he loves you.

The same one who neglects his children and only needs you when it conveniences him.

As life continues to turn to rust, the bridge down the street calls out.  You imagine the water embracing your weary soul as it runs steady along the edge of another lonely town.

And that’s when you cry out for help.

The holidays pass.  The following year does not improve, and you find yourself standing on that brink again.

In your weakest moment, a hand stretches out, beckoning you from the brink of catastrophe.

A voice of reason and hope snaps you into reality.

Strength gently draws at you.  A promise that you’re going to be okay.

Two very specific prayers reach the Heavens, and within the next few weeks, you’re moving out of the darkness into a field of sunlight you didn’t even know exists.

Fear. Guilt. Anxiety. Each demon gnaws at you, pressing you to turn back.

The hope and love you found?  You’re not deserving of them. The voices snarl.  You’re an adulterated whore who “gave up”.  What makes you think you’re allowed to be happy without him?  The man who says he loves you?  The one you married?

Wrestling with searing guilt, doubt rises.  You question the God who rescued you.  You question your worth while holding the hand of the one who called you out of the darkness.

Gentle assurance warms your heart.  Love peaks for the first time.  Hope for a future where you’re adored.

After being used and forgotten.  Manipulated.  Tormented with fear.  Riddled by anxiety.  Reasoned into doubting good people exist.  Convinced people are watching your every move.  Terrified by suggestions put in your head.  Lied to countless times.  Blindsided. Emptied out and frail.


Degraded.  Berated. Forced to swallow your own hurt to take on someone elses.  Never being good enough. Questioning your worth.  Ignored.  Looked over.


What hope does a shattered soul have left for themselves, when everyone succeded to take it away?

Making excuses for the people who hurt them.  Trying to change and forced back by someones illusion of authority.

How terrifying it is to be left weak and helpless.

Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Someone to hope for me, when I didn’t want to hold on anymore.

Someone to persuade my worth was greater than I believed and I was worth holding on to.  Even when it hurt him.

How difficult it was to step out of the box and believe God wanted more for me than the mess I made for myself.

We are not without Hope.  The struggle is real.  But it’s inevitable that this broken heart was meant for more.

And love got me through.  Love I felt unworthy of.  Love that was persistent and strong enough to hold me, when I couldn’t hold myself.

That man who became my best friend, gave my broken heart something to live for.

Me.  My purpose.  My hope.  My own strength.

Nurturing and growing me when I had given up on my own dreams.

I struggled long and hard with the views of God we all know.  God hates Divorce.  God hates adultery.  God hates sin.

Yes.  It’s true.  He does not like these things.

But he is also a loving God, and does not want us to live abused and neglected.

I prayed specifically for God to remove me from the marriage I hated.

He did.

What do you need from God?

A Letter To My Prince Charming 

Dear Prince Charming,

I don’t know where I went wrong, you were not my lover true.

I waited around for all those years, the only one I ever wanted was you.

Every hour ticked by, the ticking made me go insane.

The dragon became my pet, soon I was no one to save.

Or maybe perhaps the pet must have been me?

After all those years the dragon and I were both so empty.

I opened the door and let us out, having to settle for less and figure out my own way.

Hey there Prince Charming,

It’s been a while since I gave up on finding you.

I wish you hadn’t given up on finding me, too.

Whoever she is I hope that you’re settled down,

Whoever she is I hope you have a family now,

A little boy or little girl as an heir to carry on your name.

Since I was never one you thought to come and save.

How am I?  I’m doing alright, the dragon is gone he took flight,

He left me with two kids of my own.

Dear Prince Charming,

Are you listening to the wind as it blows through your kingdom?

If you can hear my voice, I’m crying out for freedom.

Locked inside where they can’t see, the dragon left his fire in me,

Every once in a while it escapes and burns down everything.

If I make it through this life, perhaps one day you might find me?

I’ll run to you with open arms, start crying this song I’m writing….

Dear Prince Charming, it’s been so long since I’ve been held in loving arms.

Dear Prince Charming, all I remember of what hope felt like is the scars.

After all the time I waited for you, I gave up hope and pushed on.

Love blew out like a hurricane, my light is faded, hope is gone….

Prince Charming did you give up looking for me too?

All I want is for one day to be locked up safe inside, with you.

Caught Daydreaming II

A skip in my chest.  Warmth spreads from the center, tendrils flowing toward my shoulders.

My arms curl around myself in reaction.  I sigh, closing my eyes, and suddenly you are there with me.

A hand flows with my hair, drawing gently on my neck to bring me into you.  I feel your face to my cheek.  Your lips gently press into my shoulder, and a shiver spreads behind my ear down to my back.

The fan swirls air about me.  The tease takes me back to dreaming.

Dreaming of happiness.  Dreaming of adventures.

Dreaming of sitting next to you as I sit and write.  To feel your shoulder against mine.

To hear your breath, a sniff, to watch you create worlds of your own as I create mine.

To taste your flesh.  To feel your lips to mine.

Projecting you into my daily routine.  I get lost in the idea.  It causes me to stop.

It distracts me.  Suddenly my mind goes blank.  And when it does, it fills with you.

Over Soon

Tell me this is gonna pass

Tell me it’ll all be over soon

This is it.  I got away, made my escape

What happens next?

Where do I go from here?

I didn’t plan that far ahead

I did all I could just to survive

And now I’m looking through the glass

Discovering a world I never knew existed

There is light.  There is freedom. There is love.

But how can I truly deserve it?

Look at the road where I have been 

Look at all I came through

How can I be worthy of walking in light?

How can I be worthy of your love?

It’s comfortable to be here.

Comfortable to rest inside the hope

That maybe I might be free at last

No more pain or broken pieces

It’s hard to let them go.

Hard to trust in something Real for once.

It’s uncomfortable to fear the worst

It’s uncomfortable to think that I am worth it–

When until this point I have not been

I’m so imperfect.  I’m so broken.

The perfect trophy fell off of the shelf

And she shattered.

Every shard reminds me of the past

Each regret carved into my flesh.

But you say I’m everything.

That you want me.

How can this be?

Can someone truly want me, for me?

I know I make mistakes, I can name them all

I know one of them was him.

I know I destroyed myself

I’m so imperfect.

But if you can wait and see, this is not Me.

I know I’m someone else, and someone else is breaking out of Me.

This will all be over soon,

I will be stronger than ever I was before.

But that doesn’t mean that I am mended

It takes time to scar over, and scars never fade

I promise I’ll be back to normal soon

This will all finally be over soon