Shattered Pieces Never To Be The Same

Lost.  Empty.  Frozen.
I’m going to break now, I’m feeling a break down.
Wandering alone, broken.
I’m going to melt now, I’m feeling the melt down.

I want to destroy everything you built.
I want to burn your horizons until you start to wilt.
Shattered, doesn’t even matter
Nothing stops this bleeding
Battered, heart-wrenched torn and tattered
I can’t keep from bleeding
Nothing stops this bleeding
What are we going to do?
(Can you feel how much I hate you?)
Where will we go from here, now?
(I’ve lost my way from here now)
Hopelessly bound, no light shining through
(What are we going to do?)
As darkness hides the way out, what are we gonna do?

In broken faith I look up to the one who turned away
Holding my breath with a prayer I don’t have the strength to say
It’s so daunting to have to look towards the empty sky
When I’ve never felt like God has ever heard my cry

You’ve destroyed my hope in reaching out for help
When it all broke down you were just trying to save yourself
I hope someone will call you out for all your lies
That someday everyone might see through your righteous disguise

I want to destroy everything you built.
I want to burn your horizons until you start to wilt.
Shattered, doesn’t even matter
Nothing stops this bleeding
Battered, heart-wrenched torn and tattered
I can’t keep from bleeding
Nothing stops this bleeding
What are we going to do?
(Can you feel how much I hate you?)
Where will we go from here, now?
(I’ve lost my way from here now)
Hopelessly bound, no light shining through
(What are we going to do?)
As darkness hides the way out, what are we gonna do?

What’s left to trust,
When it’s clear you’re not like us?
What’s left to hold on to,
When the world’s filled with people like you?

Empty. Hopeless. Frozen.
Shattered pieces none can fix.
Abandoned. Volatile. Broken.
Karma will make you pay for this.

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The Ranger of Severum: Episode 8

After breakfast and seeing the surgeon for a weekly evaluation, Trillian was summoned by Sideon. Disappointed, the ranger would just have to wait to find Yulissa.

Slowly, Trillian approached the door to the library. A red sort of glow washed the floor outside of the open doors. After his nightmare, the appearance felt dark. His heart quickened as he walked up to the open doors. Stretching out his hand, he hesitated a moment before he knocked. He could see Sideon bent over his desk, examining papers and writing things down.

The library was warm and colorful compared to the stone hallway Trillian stood in. The desk Sideon sat at was toward the back, centered in front of the rows of bookcases surrounding the walls. Plush red seats were fixed about the room, next to tables with oil lamps on them so one might be able to read, despite the lack of windows in the room.

“Ah, Trillian, do come in.” Sideon looked up, and motioned with his quill, to a chair in front of his desk.

Trillian hesitantly walked to the chair, and sat down as best he could. His back ached a touch from the constant wear of his wings and he looked forward to the day he would be able to hide them away again.

Sideon began right away as Trillian sat down, “I understand you have been recovering these last few weeks, but I grow weary of constantly looking out for you and your well being. As soon as you are cleared, your duties will be returned to you. Our general grows restless covering for you at training, and wishes you back to care for your own men and apprentices.”

Trillian did not need his master to tell him all of this, as he was already quite aware. Twice, he had visited the training grounds to check in on his recruits. They seemed to be getting along well, but the annoyances the other trainers expressed were many. In Severum, each captain and Master Trainer had enough responsibility without taking up for someone else.

“Yes sir.” Trillian replied.

“And if you could do us all the favor of not battling the druids by yourself, I’m sure your peers would appreciate it.”

The ranger felt insulted by the jab. The insinuation was clear enough to Trillian, and while it was the ranger’s fault he had been injured, it had not been because Trillian was incapable of fighting.

“Is that all?” He asked hiding his irritation.

“No, it is not.” Sideon stacked his hands on the desk, making direct eye contact. “This woman that came back with you, Yulissa? Have you had the opportunity to see her again?”

“I have not.” Trillian felt his heart begin to race, disconcerted that Sideon would bring her up.

“I am sending you to find out what she wants with the Severum.”

Nodding slowly, the ranger took a light breath in relief.

Sideon continued without pause, “The fact that a woman has stayed so long in a city with virtually no other women disconcerts me. She obviously is in need of something, you brought her here, and frankly you are the only one I trust with an outsider. Discretion- as opposed to temptation -will guide your interaction with her.”

Trillian swallowed back the heat trying to concentrate in his cheeks. He would use discretion, but his mind was already engaged in attraction to the woman. “It will be as you ask, Master.” He nodded his head, “Was there anything else, sir?”

“Yes.” Sideon leaned forward, propping his elbows on the desk. “Your mother has been nothing but a basket case since your injury. Please write to her and inform her you are well. She doesn’t believe me.”

Trillians mother was on a heavily guarded retreat to the shores for some fresh air and rejuvenation. Sideon loved his stolen wife deeply, hating to see her pale and forlorn. She went to a castle at the shores every summer for a few weeks to perk up and taste the sun on her delicate skin. She always came home happier and healthier. Trillian was grateful Sideon went to such lengths to care for her, but it did not quell the anger over the loss of his father.

“You may go.” Sideon abruptly went back to his work, “report back to me when you find out what she needs and why she stayed so long before asking for it.”

Again trillian nodded once, “As you request, Master.” He stood, and left the library aware of a fluttering in his chest. Yulissa was the first woman to have aroused him. He hoped the nervousness in his flesh would not interfere with his ability to inquire of her with “discretion”.

The Color of Rain

I’d rather stay inside and watch from afar
To stay far away, so you can’t see my scar
I’d rather keep quiet when you’re all around
Than to ever let on my ships run aground
Isolate myself with my insecurity
Surrender myself to the absurdity
That I will eventually be okay.

I like to cry alone when no one can hear
I like to drown out alone with my fear
Wherever I go, I know I can paint a smile for you
I’ll tell you I’m fine, although all the while, it’s true
I’m dying inside, a little more each time I’m with you.

Confident I collapse to my anxiety
Hoping that somehow you’ll hear me
The emptiness inside suffocates my heart
Will anyone come and break me apart?
Break me apart to let me out

Isolated willingly by all my doubt and fear
Wishing somehow someone might see me here
Reach deep inside, and draw me out
Can anyone come and sate this drought?

Labor, Prodromal Labor, Hospital Trips, And Finally– Baby.

The last week of May was quite the trip.  After having the version, the contractions were finally noticeable, as though getting her to go the right direction was all that was missing in the effort to have her.

When I went to my doctors appointment on Wednesday, May 27th, I measured at a 2, which meant Baby could start coming at any moment.  My anticipation was colossal.
Finished shopping, went home on Wednesday, come Thursday night at 6:30ish I started contractions.  They were up to about 20 minutes apart all of the way through Friday until around 5pmish, and then they died off to roughly one an hour, but they were getting periodically stronger.  This continued on through Saturday, and Sunday morning around 2 they were every 2-5 minutes apart, so we went to the hospital.
At the hospital they measured me at 3.5, my contractions were phenomenal on the read out, and we waited for two hours for dilation progression.  Progression did not happen, and I was sent home— with the same strong contractions, though they were slowly spacing out again.

I had looked up start and stop labor on Friday evening, wondering why I was experiencing it.  My answer boiled down to stress.  Prodromal labor isn’t really pinned to one certain thing, so when I thought back on how my doctor had told me I was NOT a good candidate for induction based on how firm my cervix was, I figured stress had to be the key factor.

Sunday passed slowly along.  My frustration and agony in the seeming-inability to produce the right conditions for labor hanging over me like a cloud of doom.  Some women have had terrible experiences with prenatal triage, and I personally had a terrible experience my first go round.  At my local hospital, the staff had been wonderful, my attending nurse had been supportive, she had known I was experiencing labor even though I wasn’t actively progressing yet.  We lived twenty minutes away, there was no reason why I couldn’t progress at home….  but I still had no desire to go to the hospital and get sent home a second time.

That night in bed, I laid on my left side ((as I had been practicing for the last four nights)) waiting out the count of contractions.  Again, somewhere around 2ish, something felt immensely different.  The contractions didn’t necessarily hurt, but something about them said baby was on the way.  They came up to the 3-5 minute mark, I woke the house, we rushed off to the hospital again.

Sure enough, when they assessed me in triage, I was at a 7.  Two hours later, they broke my water and baby came along within the next ten minutes.

It was a trip. Lying in recovery after Baby was born, I found myself waiting for contractions. After spending four days in labor, it hadn’t quite clicked yet that it was finally over.

Here I am a week later, content to have my brand new daughter sweetly coddled in my arms.

My assessment of the situation boils down to a few tips to share with other mothers-to-be out there.

1) Circumstances Will Dictate Your Stress Levels

Life is full of ups and downs, and during pregnancy things amplify out of proportion.
My stress points are not at all “little things”.

We’re preparing to move; we need a job, a house, money to move on—
The move has my new daughter missplaced right now, sleeping in a bassinet in my room, using one drawer of her brothers dresser, and two shelves on my bookcase. All I wanted was to have a room for her. Set up, situated, decorated, ready to go. But we have to wait at least another month.

My husbands job has him gone a minimum of 100 hours a week. He has overnight trips, 12+ hour days, monthly military obligations– and all of this is expected of him on salary. No bonuses, no raises, no hope for advancement…. without his military check, we wouldn’t make ends meet.
Money is so tight, I can’t even figure out WHERE we’re going to find the extra bits to set aside for moving equipment, or a safety deposit. The cost of living in Texas has gone up, the jobs he’s looking at only start at $12 an hour….
The current outlook on this move is grim.

2) No Two Delivery Experiences Are The Same. Unless You Have A C-Section

With my first, labor was clockwork.
Contractions, plug, dilated, water broke, baby. 16 hours, it was over and done.
Previous experience was no help. Even the contractions were different.

3) Yoga Helps

I’ve said it before: DO YOGA. In hindsight, I would probably have been better primed for labor if I had continued in my prenatal yoga practice the entire pregnancy. Clearing mind, draining muscles, keeping blood and fluids circulating, and opening up the pelvic muscles might have positively influenced labor.

4) If You Had An Episiotomy The First Time, Expect A Second One

More on that in another blog.

I hope you and your pregnancy are blessed and that your birthing experience is smooth and successful.