Finding Love Again

Just when a broken, frustrated heart wants to throw in the towel, love can come from the most unexpected of places.

Life kick-dropped you to your knees, all one can do is breathe around the pain.

On the edge of a parking garage, temptation reaches out – it whispers to jump.  Tears roll slowly down your cheeks as you consider who would actually miss you.

No one. The voice in your head assures.

Closing your eyes, two small children flash through your mind. Almost convinced they won’t even remember you in three years.

The person you chose to marry is a selfish liar.  Your heart screams for hope.  But hope has faded.

What once was yours, belongs to someone else.

All of the dreams you had, lay desolate as wasted space in your head.

Darkness clouds your hopes, you gave up on wishing for this to be different.

However, something keeps you from jumping tonight, and you return home to the baby who needs to nurse and the toddler who screams for their grandma instead of you.

Lonely nights in an empty bed, lying next to shadows on the wall.  Anxiety imagines they’re alive.  Anxiety fed to you by the man who says he loves you.

The same one who neglects his children and only needs you when it conveniences him.

As life continues to turn to rust, the bridge down the street calls out.  You imagine the water embracing your weary soul as it runs steady along the edge of another lonely town.

And that’s when you cry out for help.

The holidays pass.  The following year does not improve, and you find yourself standing on that brink again.

In your weakest moment, a hand stretches out, beckoning you from the brink of catastrophe.

A voice of reason and hope snaps you into reality.

Strength gently draws at you.  A promise that you’re going to be okay.

Two very specific prayers reach the Heavens, and within the next few weeks, you’re moving out of the darkness into a field of sunlight you didn’t even know exists.

Fear. Guilt. Anxiety. Each demon gnaws at you, pressing you to turn back.

The hope and love you found?  You’re not deserving of them. The voices snarl.  You’re an adulterated whore who “gave up”.  What makes you think you’re allowed to be happy without him?  The man who says he loves you?  The one you married?

Wrestling with searing guilt, doubt rises.  You question the God who rescued you.  You question your worth while holding the hand of the one who called you out of the darkness.

Gentle assurance warms your heart.  Love peaks for the first time.  Hope for a future where you’re adored.

After being used and forgotten.  Manipulated.  Tormented with fear.  Riddled by anxiety.  Reasoned into doubting good people exist.  Convinced people are watching your every move.  Terrified by suggestions put in your head.  Lied to countless times.  Blindsided. Emptied out and frail.


Degraded.  Berated. Forced to swallow your own hurt to take on someone elses.  Never being good enough. Questioning your worth.  Ignored.  Looked over.


What hope does a shattered soul have left for themselves, when everyone succeded to take it away?

Making excuses for the people who hurt them.  Trying to change and forced back by someones illusion of authority.

How terrifying it is to be left weak and helpless.

Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Someone to hope for me, when I didn’t want to hold on anymore.

Someone to persuade my worth was greater than I believed and I was worth holding on to.  Even when it hurt him.

How difficult it was to step out of the box and believe God wanted more for me than the mess I made for myself.

We are not without Hope.  The struggle is real.  But it’s inevitable that this broken heart was meant for more.

And love got me through.  Love I felt unworthy of.  Love that was persistent and strong enough to hold me, when I couldn’t hold myself.

That man who became my best friend, gave my broken heart something to live for.

Me.  My purpose.  My hope.  My own strength.

Nurturing and growing me when I had given up on my own dreams.

I struggled long and hard with the views of God we all know.  God hates Divorce.  God hates adultery.  God hates sin.

Yes.  It’s true.  He does not like these things.

But he is also a loving God, and does not want us to live abused and neglected.

I prayed specifically for God to remove me from the marriage I hated.

He did.

What do you need from God?

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Endless Stillness

Another day of hell has come and passed

And I’m still here.  Why am I still here?

Another day of endless waiting ended

I’m still sitting still, sitting still.

It’s so still.  It’s all still.

Another empty day has passed on by

Crying.

Let us out of this broken cycle

It’s all so still.  It’s all so still

Suffocating in this shame and guilt

Wondering how I got here

Wondering how to leave

Endlessly she keeps pushing at me

Endlessly she just wont go away

Endlessly the nights all end in brokenness I can’t overcome.
Another day of hell has come and passed

I’m still here.  Why am I still here?
Endlessly we wait in stillness for something to fall

I don’t know what it is, it just hasn’t happened yet

Someone once said this too shall pass, it’s never gone away

Life happens in cycles

I seem to recycle the same story over and over 

The heroine escaped, she finally ran away

Into the arms of tranny, where she ran back again

Someone still the sounds of madness crying through the night

We are all praying, we can’t stop praying

Reality is broken, do you even know who you are anymore?
Another day of hell has come and gone.

I’m still here. What am I doing here?

Stranger In My Eyes

Large blue eyes stare blankly in the mirror.  Whatever are they searching for?

They’re encumbered in somber dullness.  The gaze drifting lifelessly to other realms.

Capsized in a Universe of thought, stuck in a loop to repeat the painful moments over and over.

Just when everything felt Right it crashed down.

Just when the world began to make sense, like a card tower the pieces just blew away.

It all scattered to the wind when the fray of tempests began to creep in.

The gaze staring back in large blue eyes, cries out for help.  Like a scream from my soul, drowning in the blue of the ocean.

Happiness, what faulty prey, to waste your hopes on emotions.  Clearly passive strength will only last for so long before the tides topple it over.

As the mushroom cloud begins to subside, golden rain pours down to eat away my fleshly sorrows.

And still the reflection stares, begging to understand.  Begging that some kind of Hope will ring true in all the tipsy-turvy.

For I will not return home.  I cannot.  I was dead and alone.  Buried in my empty dreams.

At least there is breath in my lungs.  A chance to start over.  A chance to taste freedom from this cold, dark cage I once lived in.

Shall I be free again?  Remain so?

I cannot tell.  For my eyes dull their shine to Remember.  Oh I remember still.

Over Again

The air is thin.

It causes my lungs to collapse.

So much at stake starting over again.

Blood pounds viciously through my veins.

I can feel my anxiety as though it were crawling in my flesh.

My head spins.

My breath is short.

My throat constricts.

Unhappiness it lingers.

There is Joy nowhere.

The darkness gets darker still.

I feel trapped, I feel alone.

The loneliness fills my soul with mourning.

Mourning what was not.

Mourning what never has been.

Wandering back through the memories to a time when we were more than this.

What has gone right?

Everything even started wrong.

Two little ones I created even forgotten most days by you.

How is neglect love?

Or sitting together but never talking?

How is this important, when I’ve seen all that was not?

Don’t fool yourself, it isn’t working.

Two neglected hearts are broken.

Three, but mine never truly trusted anyway.

And so here we are.

And now I’m even more lonely than before.

Wanderlust

Warm arms that never comforted

Cold heart that beats blindly for more

Lips that just wont satisfy the ache inside the soul

Wrap the blanket tighter against the cold

Shivering alone inside the darkness of my soul

Missing the raptures of new found love

The tempest of emotions that rage curiously

Exciting romance, springing to life for the first time

Or is it the last time? Is it another braking time?

Missing the thrill of a first mate on debut

Missing the jitters that go with laying eyes on someone new

The journey began waning falling off it’s course

Perhaps theres hope but neither knows for sure

Say you love, but I know better

Say you want this, but I know better

Say you’ll fix it, but I know better.

Hi, it’s me, a little miss Nobody

And I want to share, is anybody listening

All of those times I was strong

I carried on, breathless and silent

Now I’m alone.  Does anybody hear my screams?
The words, they’re biting.

Yet the pages are still so dry

I stare mindless into outer space because

Nobody can hear me, nobody will see me.
Out there in the great big world of drivers,

So certain of the way they’re going.

Taking this road, that road, winding.

And yet here I am all turned around and sliding.

They make it seems so easy,

They make it seems so Right.

Each one has someone beside them.

Each one has someone there behind them.
Steadily I take back the wheel, so afraid of

What lies in front, the headlights are dirty.

The darkness has fallen, and now it’s cold out.

Can anyone hear me? I’m blinded in twilight.

The sparkling shimmer of water on the road guides me.

Back to the freeway where I turned off, for another broken dream.

It’s fading now, the traffic is slowing down.

Somebody crashed.  They jumped out to find,

We’re all just trying to figure this out

And I’ve figured out
I will go it all alone.  I can make it, but I’ll still be alone in the end when I crash.

Super Nova

A radiant star blazed in the night sky, enchanting the galaxy with it’s glow.
Constellations had never been more brilliant without it’s illumination.  Like a knot drawing completion to the tapestry of space, it gleamed with pride.
As years began to pass, surrounding stars became uncomfortable with the glowing orb.  Secretly each neighboring star began to feel as though it’s light dimmed their own glory.
“You’re too bright.  Tone it down.  Nobody wants to stare at you.  You do nothing but fill yourself with hot air.”
“Make room for other stars to join in, you take up too much space for your tiny self.”
Overtime, the star believed the words the others had spoken and slowly the constellation began to dim.
Feeling snubbed, the constellation complained yet again, “Look at you, you dry and dulling excuse for a Star.  How could you possibly be worthy of this cluster like that?  What will the planets say?  What shall the Galaxy say when we tell Her of your condition?”
Feeling out of place and alone the star began to dull darker still.   It slowly grew larger in size, fading to red.
Some believed it was in anger.  Others said it was from old age.
Finally, before another negative word could be said, the star burst in a violent explosion of light.  One final clap of brilliance before it died away forever.