Finding Love Again

Just when a broken, frustrated heart wants to throw in the towel, love can come from the most unexpected of places.

Life kick-dropped you to your knees, all one can do is breathe around the pain.

On the edge of a parking garage, temptation reaches out – it whispers to jump.  Tears roll slowly down your cheeks as you consider who would actually miss you.

No one. The voice in your head assures.

Closing your eyes, two small children flash through your mind. Almost convinced they won’t even remember you in three years.

The person you chose to marry is a selfish liar.  Your heart screams for hope.  But hope has faded.

What once was yours, belongs to someone else.

All of the dreams you had, lay desolate as wasted space in your head.

Darkness clouds your hopes, you gave up on wishing for this to be different.

However, something keeps you from jumping tonight, and you return home to the baby who needs to nurse and the toddler who screams for their grandma instead of you.

Lonely nights in an empty bed, lying next to shadows on the wall.  Anxiety imagines they’re alive.  Anxiety fed to you by the man who says he loves you.

The same one who neglects his children and only needs you when it conveniences him.

As life continues to turn to rust, the bridge down the street calls out.  You imagine the water embracing your weary soul as it runs steady along the edge of another lonely town.

And that’s when you cry out for help.

The holidays pass.  The following year does not improve, and you find yourself standing on that brink again.

In your weakest moment, a hand stretches out, beckoning you from the brink of catastrophe.

A voice of reason and hope snaps you into reality.

Strength gently draws at you.  A promise that you’re going to be okay.

Two very specific prayers reach the Heavens, and within the next few weeks, you’re moving out of the darkness into a field of sunlight you didn’t even know exists.

Fear. Guilt. Anxiety. Each demon gnaws at you, pressing you to turn back.

The hope and love you found?  You’re not deserving of them. The voices snarl.  You’re an adulterated whore who “gave up”.  What makes you think you’re allowed to be happy without him?  The man who says he loves you?  The one you married?

Wrestling with searing guilt, doubt rises.  You question the God who rescued you.  You question your worth while holding the hand of the one who called you out of the darkness.

Gentle assurance warms your heart.  Love peaks for the first time.  Hope for a future where you’re adored.

After being used and forgotten.  Manipulated.  Tormented with fear.  Riddled by anxiety.  Reasoned into doubting good people exist.  Convinced people are watching your every move.  Terrified by suggestions put in your head.  Lied to countless times.  Blindsided. Emptied out and frail.


Degraded.  Berated. Forced to swallow your own hurt to take on someone elses.  Never being good enough. Questioning your worth.  Ignored.  Looked over.


What hope does a shattered soul have left for themselves, when everyone succeded to take it away?

Making excuses for the people who hurt them.  Trying to change and forced back by someones illusion of authority.

How terrifying it is to be left weak and helpless.

Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Someone to hope for me, when I didn’t want to hold on anymore.

Someone to persuade my worth was greater than I believed and I was worth holding on to.  Even when it hurt him.

How difficult it was to step out of the box and believe God wanted more for me than the mess I made for myself.

We are not without Hope.  The struggle is real.  But it’s inevitable that this broken heart was meant for more.

And love got me through.  Love I felt unworthy of.  Love that was persistent and strong enough to hold me, when I couldn’t hold myself.

That man who became my best friend, gave my broken heart something to live for.

Me.  My purpose.  My hope.  My own strength.

Nurturing and growing me when I had given up on my own dreams.

I struggled long and hard with the views of God we all know.  God hates Divorce.  God hates adultery.  God hates sin.

Yes.  It’s true.  He does not like these things.

But he is also a loving God, and does not want us to live abused and neglected.

I prayed specifically for God to remove me from the marriage I hated.

He did.

What do you need from God?

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Helpless Dependent

 I made the choice to change my whole life

Remember it as I hold this trembling knife

Drag it across my skin, then go and put it down again.

I’m not evicted from my home

I just choose to be alone

We all got away, from all the lonely pain

But this is not what I’d expected

This is not how it should have ended
I’ll pretend to be okay

If it gets me through this lonely today

I can paint a smile

And I can laugh for a little while

Make this moment melt away

Until I make it to you to stay

Forbid that I should die alone

I can’t do this on my own

Help me up when I’m not strong

This crashing down is dragging me along

Ashes

Pretty things all turn to ashes

Chopped up, broken, rust and scratches

Everything must come to an end.

And seen through the glass

Only shadows now pass

Unaware of the loss of a friend.

Despair reaches icy fingers

Where hopeless thought lingers

Playing the songs of the dead.

Biting cold steel

Reminds I can feel

And the carpet dries in red.

When Pain Becomes Too Hard To Bear

What words are there when no one knows what to say?

Someone will always crack a comment.  One that will sting.

Someone will remark with something unfeeling, heartless, or even just plain apathetic.

Someone will try to be sympathetic, but fail to say what everyone is wanting to hear.

Another will see it as an opportunity to preach about how we don’t know our hour, and we need Jesus – when we don’t even know if the one we’ve all come to mourn made it to heaven.

Maybe no one will cry.

Maybe no one will even remember.

But regardless, it will effect all of us the same way.

What makes people so hateful?  What makes them hurt so much that they take it out on each other?  What makes them think they are any better than the one that sits next to them in class?  If we all live, we all hurt.
But we don’t all deal with it the same way.

Little girl, I am sorry that it hurt so much that you couldn’t handle it anymore.
I will cry, and I will remember.  And I will do what it takes to not let another soul go without knowing that somebody cared.

When life becomes so hard that somebody takes their own life, the blame game is easy to get into.

Blaming yourself for not caring enough.

Others saying they deserved it.

Blaming God for not caring enough to stop it.

Blaming yourself for not doing anything to stop it.

At first the emotion is numb.  You don’t know what to feel, you don’t know what to think… all you can do is soak in the shock.
If you’d only known… but how could you?

If you’d only seen… but seen what?

What was the last straw?  How many had there been before?

Why do people have to hurt each other so much?

It doesn’t matter now what happened, the point is it did.
What are you going to do to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

There is Love.  We must share it with those who hurt.
There is Hope.  We must give it to those longing for it.
There is always a way out.  Are you willing to be the one who will make a difference?

Jesus said, “There is no greater love than this, that a man would lay down his life for his friends.”
If you call each other friends, how can you lay down your life, so they don’t give up theirs.