I am part of the vast population who had a disconnected family. While my immediate family was pretty well knit, and my siblings and I continue to get along as Family should, the extensions each had their own set of issues.
It was already stated that I didn’t particularly care for my grandmother. Even now, in bitterness, I glance at her pictures around the house and still resent her.
It’s been a long month+ in Ohio, I had to call and reschedule my dr’s appointment for this week, because we’re not done here yet. So many things haven’t happened the way they needed to, and here I am. Still.
The snow has finally come to an end, but the sun barely shines, aiding unto the melancholic chill wrapped inside my heart. Each morning, I arise to the same thing. Each night I go down hoping to leave soon.
Uncertainty gives way to insecurity, which can lend to a plague of further negative emotion, swirling furiously within the mind.
Each step I have taken for almost a year is laced with uncertainty.
Where will we live? Where will you work? Where will we have financial security?
And now, as the months close in between a cloudy future and the baby being born, I wrestle these anxious concerns alongside my frustrations with still being in Ohio.
My path of ventilation has been to harbor continued anger with my Grandmother. For what she was not, what she never would be. Who she chose to be. What she chose not to be.
All I have lost is $40 a year in holiday checks. What made the emotion furrow even deeper was the way the Pastor spoke at her memorial service.
When nobody has a clue what is suffered on the inside of a unit, what else are they to speak of beyond the Hope of Salvation?
Each of the viewpoints were nice, but he did not have the slightest idea how off he was. What can you do, sitting in silent reverence? What do you say afterward?
Cloudy, my heart remains. Our world was already upside-down before she died. Now I feel as though I’m trapped in a snowglobe.
Yes, we’re finally in the third trimester and wanting a place for the baby to be that is properly set up, belonging solely to her, is also a high concern. But I just don’t know what is going to happen this summer.
On a positive note:
My pursuit to become an author strengthens as I open myself to the things I was made to do, and it is quite rewarding.
I hope to continue this pursuit very soon- as my writing has also been affected by this series of misfortunate events.
I hope Spring finds the rest of you in better, warmer places.