Shattered

I can’t make you love me

And you won’t even smile

I’m not sure just what I did

That brought me to this point

I’ve been so angry, and I’ve been so hurt

All you do is shatter me in this dungeon that I built 

My heart had hoped, and my head has wished

But underneath that skin of yours is needles and swords

Should have taken the initiative when I had the chance

But now I’m stuck, and I can’t find freedom

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Promise of Affliction

Don’t speak.

Words hurt.

Don’t try to pursue the chaos.

It’s poisonous.

I’m cyanide.

I will only shatter you to pieces.

Don’t come too close.

I’m far too gone to save.

What kind of life do I promise?

What kind of joy could I bring?

The madness spins and spins.

Straw is turning to ash.

How can a broken heart produce gold?

Pretend with me the world is okay.

Pretend with me that I never hurt.

This box can cram shut.

Demons skipping around the room,

Laughing as the pieces continue to scatter.

Lament with me over the broken pieces.

And when I’ve stopped weeping, just go.

Wounded hearts feel the deepest of hope.

They feel the deepest heartache.

Chaos rages into the night.

The Dark is snickering.

Why?  What was my problem?

How could I be so easily disposable,

And so easily adored?

I’m a suicide note waiting to happen.

I’m good at pushing loved ones away.

I’m even better at hiding that anything was ever wrong.

And to think this chaos only started last week.

A sealed box of history past crashed open.

Suddenly a lifetime of memories feel like they happened yesterday.

Motherhood: Having a “Version”. Turning your baby

Since I have already made this blog mixed topic, from my endeavors as an author, my poetry, my insights on Christianity, and a mini-Fantasy series, I am going to write to mothers everywhere about my recent experience with a Version.

What is a “version”, you might ask?  To put it simply, it’s turning a breech baby while they’re in the womb.  It generally takes place at 37 weeks, as long as your baby is still pretty little.

I found out at 36 weeks that she was breech.  This was a rather annoying piece of information, as it’s really rather hard to tell which direction the baby is going by this time, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that a c-section is not on my agenda unless it is ABSOLUTELY medically necessary.  So, when my doctor said, “you have options” I immediately told her I wanted the baby turned.  We scheduled my “version” and I went home to research how to make her turn before yesterday.

Between the blood rushing to my head, ending up going head first down a slide at a local playground, and playing music at the bottom of my tummy, there were a great deal of reactions from my baby, but none of them encouraged her to spin around.  I waited and waited in extreme nervousness, asking everyone I knew to pray for me and the baby, as I was getting desperate.

Thursday morning came.  I spent the two hours prior to the sonogram rolling the possible outcome of the morning through my head.  I was nervous, anxious, tense and made the pulse monitor beep a good three or four times– before the doctor arrived to turn the baby.  The sonogram was done, and sure enough her head was still positioned right smack-dab in the middle of my rib cage.  I had figured as much, when I would lay down to figure out what part of her might be where, it definitely felt like a head.

He explained to me what was going to happen, and then went to spinning the baby around.

Dear lord, did it hurt.  Which makes plenty of sense, you’re spinning head, shoulders, knees and toes around inside your uterus.  I couldn’t make it through the first attempt.  The rubbing of soft tissue on bones is what got me.  The other was being concerned for the baby, and being aware of her needs.
So, we took a breather, talked about options, and then tried again.  As I mentioned before, the c-section wasn’t an option, I was going to suffer through the pain and get the baby turned around.

A moment later, I took a deep breath, and continued to breathe deeply through the entire experience, making my insides as open as possible to help get her around.  ((Yoga is a GREAT way to practice deep breathing, and internal awareness of your body and it’s needs.  If you do not do yoga, I would highly consider it.))  Breathing deeply, as well as being primed from the first time, she made it around easily and pretty quickly.

Relief is a nice feeling.  It took the pulse monitor a good minute to stop beeping as I calmed down again.  When I finally did, I thanked God that it had been simple and quick.

My doctor felt I was a good candidate for having the baby turned.  The baby would still be small enough, I’m carrying low, and the space she had to move in was roomy enough.  When the doctor took the sonogram, HER conditions were great, she had clear space to rotate, and the chord was out of the way.  There wasn’t quite a great deal of fluid around her, ((I had spent the last six days getting it up, and didn’t even THINK about the fact that I had chamomile tea the night before so I could sleep through the night.  All my efforts lost in one night….  So don’t do this.  If you need a relaxing agent to sleep the night before your version, try a sachet of lavender or melatonin)) but it didn’t hinder her ability to rotate around.

During recovery, I had minor contractions, but baby and I looked great.
Today, during recovery, I am a bit on the sore side, from shifting the baby around of course, but nothing serious.  I’m not bleeding, or losing fluid.  The braxton contractions ache a bit more than they should, but nothing serious.

In summary, the pain is worth it, as long as it avoids a c-section.  You have options, don’t let your doctor push you into one way or the other.  Think about them, read about them, and become aware of what YOU can do.  If I had learned she was breech before 36 weeks, I might have had more time to flip her around on her own, avoiding the pain altogether.  But it’s so worth it.  Knowing she’s around, knowing she’ll be ready to go when labor starts…  I would recommend it in a heartbeat.