A Letter to God

Dear God, it’s me.

I don’t know if you remember who I am. But I remember you.

I’ve kind of fallen back, and as I’ve fallen, found my faith gone slack.

I’m trying to find who I am, out of who I used to be.

Times have changed. I’m divorced, but I’m still a parent, and I’m about to be a bride again.

I’m afraid of your grace, and your judgement. Trying to find your plan in all of this– it isn’t easy to set aside all that I’ve been taught, and trust you.

I want to trust you, but every time I do, something seems to go wrong. Do I do it?

I’ve not been looking for you, while I’m finding myself. I don’t know what’s wrong with my failing heart, losing hold of everything I love.

Motivation, desire…. I fade slowly into nothing. The corner of the room is right where I fit best, self-inflicted woes to bear my scars out loud.

This is not who I was, and it’s not who I want to be– help change me to who I am meant to be. Because all I know is I want more than this hollowed shell I’m existing in.

Consume me. Make me yours.

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Awakening To Light 

Behind me lies a dark forest

I was trapped with no way out for so long

When a soft glimmer of light  caught my eye

Tearing through thorny bushes I tracked it

Urgency pounded in my chest as each step took me closer to the edge of the forest

Who knew an edge existed?

Who knew the darkness wasn’t where I belonged?

I escaped to breathe fresh air and dance in cool grass

But the wounds from the thorn bushes reminded me that I did not belong in this pasture

I turned back to the forest, armed with a tiny sword

Monsters jumped me when I went back

Ones I never knew were there before 

Slaying the monsters was impossible

They were stronger and greater than I

My sword broke and I ran

Vines crept out and tangled around my ankle, their thorns biting my flesh

I looked around alone, having been warned this was foolish

Frantically I used what was left of my sword to cut the vines from my ankles

As the monsters came screaming I ran from the forest and back out into the sun

The beasts growled angrily, afraid of the light trying to trap me with their wiles

Words were futile

While I was a bleeding, broken mess my resolve was never stronger

I was not going back.

Refining Fire

​The fire rages in my chest

Burns away all my regrets

Ashes blow in the wind
In the burning vault

I’m reminded of my fault

Every foul deed I rescind
Pressure is burning hot

Etching away what I am not

This pain will make me new
Diamonds are refining

I can feel them shining

This pain will make me new
It’s brutal and it hurts

Like walking in reverse

Memories stuck in replay
Each fault and daring taunt

Of who I am and who I’m not

What I was is torn away
I will come out brighter

From the Master’s fire

I will be made new

I can be brand new

Waking Up

The sky is finally beginning to turn blue again.

I couldn’t have gotten this far without patient grace.

Eclipsed by the pain, eclipsed by years gone by, the shadows took me off guard.

Gentle understanding helped get me by in ways I never expected to find.

My heart is full, and my soul at ease.

Bittersweet sorrow, masses of regret; memories that I don’t have to fear anymore.

Awoken at last, from the darkest age of slumber I am free to breathe.

My sincerest of hopes, and greatest of dreams.  All resting together in one tender glimmer of peace.

Pursuit is becoming stable, and I shall run toward the goal in newness of life!