Finding Love Again

Just when a broken, frustrated heart wants to throw in the towel, love can come from the most unexpected of places.

Life kick-dropped you to your knees, all one can do is breathe around the pain.

On the edge of a parking garage, temptation reaches out – it whispers to jump.  Tears roll slowly down your cheeks as you consider who would actually miss you.

No one. The voice in your head assures.

Closing your eyes, two small children flash through your mind. Almost convinced they won’t even remember you in three years.

The person you chose to marry is a selfish liar.  Your heart screams for hope.  But hope has faded.

What once was yours, belongs to someone else.

All of the dreams you had, lay desolate as wasted space in your head.

Darkness clouds your hopes, you gave up on wishing for this to be different.

However, something keeps you from jumping tonight, and you return home to the baby who needs to nurse and the toddler who screams for their grandma instead of you.

Lonely nights in an empty bed, lying next to shadows on the wall.  Anxiety imagines they’re alive.  Anxiety fed to you by the man who says he loves you.

The same one who neglects his children and only needs you when it conveniences him.

As life continues to turn to rust, the bridge down the street calls out.  You imagine the water embracing your weary soul as it runs steady along the edge of another lonely town.

And that’s when you cry out for help.

The holidays pass.  The following year does not improve, and you find yourself standing on that brink again.

In your weakest moment, a hand stretches out, beckoning you from the brink of catastrophe.

A voice of reason and hope snaps you into reality.

Strength gently draws at you.  A promise that you’re going to be okay.

Two very specific prayers reach the Heavens, and within the next few weeks, you’re moving out of the darkness into a field of sunlight you didn’t even know exists.

Fear. Guilt. Anxiety. Each demon gnaws at you, pressing you to turn back.

The hope and love you found?  You’re not deserving of them. The voices snarl.  You’re an adulterated whore who “gave up”.  What makes you think you’re allowed to be happy without him?  The man who says he loves you?  The one you married?

Wrestling with searing guilt, doubt rises.  You question the God who rescued you.  You question your worth while holding the hand of the one who called you out of the darkness.

Gentle assurance warms your heart.  Love peaks for the first time.  Hope for a future where you’re adored.

After being used and forgotten.  Manipulated.  Tormented with fear.  Riddled by anxiety.  Reasoned into doubting good people exist.  Convinced people are watching your every move.  Terrified by suggestions put in your head.  Lied to countless times.  Blindsided. Emptied out and frail.


Degraded.  Berated. Forced to swallow your own hurt to take on someone elses.  Never being good enough. Questioning your worth.  Ignored.  Looked over.


What hope does a shattered soul have left for themselves, when everyone succeded to take it away?

Making excuses for the people who hurt them.  Trying to change and forced back by someones illusion of authority.

How terrifying it is to be left weak and helpless.

Without him, I wouldn’t have made it this far.  Someone to hope for me, when I didn’t want to hold on anymore.

Someone to persuade my worth was greater than I believed and I was worth holding on to.  Even when it hurt him.

How difficult it was to step out of the box and believe God wanted more for me than the mess I made for myself.

We are not without Hope.  The struggle is real.  But it’s inevitable that this broken heart was meant for more.

And love got me through.  Love I felt unworthy of.  Love that was persistent and strong enough to hold me, when I couldn’t hold myself.

That man who became my best friend, gave my broken heart something to live for.

Me.  My purpose.  My hope.  My own strength.

Nurturing and growing me when I had given up on my own dreams.

I struggled long and hard with the views of God we all know.  God hates Divorce.  God hates adultery.  God hates sin.

Yes.  It’s true.  He does not like these things.

But he is also a loving God, and does not want us to live abused and neglected.

I prayed specifically for God to remove me from the marriage I hated.

He did.

What do you need from God?

Unplugged

So many of my URL friends are familiar with my grievances against Facebook and the forced switch mobile users had to make to the Messenger app.

I hate it.  I love it’s conveniently designed instant messaging, I love it’s convenient chat feature, and the stickers, and that I can talk to everyone in the world…..

But I hate the app itself for its invasive required accesses, and how it makes my phone lag.

Lately, I’ve been considering my Relevance to society and whether or not Social Media actually needs me around.  If I could slip away, how many of my URL friends would notice?

What is my relevance?  I’m a Writer like hundreds of other people.  I don’t have anything else to say advice-wise that others haven’t said before me.

I’m honest and to the point, sit down and write.  Everything else can wait.

I can give you writing prompts, but there are literally hundreds of other people who have done/are doing that very thing.

All sorts of A-Type people are conquering the world, and doing what I do-only they’re much more upfront and straight forward about it.

I stop and feel the sunshine, and smell the roses, and mourn the passing of dead fish, and roadkill, and am distracted by everything around me.  I day dream all day long and forget I didn’t write any of it down.

It’s not a good thing, however.  I really need to hone in and find some kind of Groundwire, or I’ll waste my entire life away, having never published the world of Eldegras.

Perhaps the world will end.  But people will still want to read books.

Perhaps nuclear bombs will destroy America, and our economy will collapse, and I’ll have wasted away my time procrastinating instead of publishing a book.

It doesn’t matter how or what happens, if I never pursue my dreams, they’ll never come true.  No amount of wishing on stars and meteors will help.

Am I relevant?  Is my book worth it?  Is someone going to read it?  Love it?  Want more of it?

Every B-Type personality has this struggle.  We feel Deeply, and in feeling Deeply, we carry more than our own weight on our shoulders.

At the end of the day, we’re exhausted from smiling and interacting with the World from the Surface.  Our thoughts and emotions attack us in the dark and keep us up for hours.

That’s why Writers drink so much caffeine.  ((Coffee, tea….))  oh, and alcohol of course.

Maybe one day I’ll figure it out, come out of the other side of this block, and have my series finished.
Maybe one day.

Perhaps it starts by unplugging.  Turning off Social Media and the inner turmoil our brains encounter interacting with it.  We’re wired to crave community.  But must we crave it so much it controls us?

Checking to see if someone checked on you.  Checking to see if someone commented.  Checking to just kill time mindlessly.

Relying on these interactions to feel fulfilled by fellow human  beings who share common interests –like killing time on the Internet.
Whatever it is, it starts with a choice.  A rally to action to Do The Thing!  And to believe in yourself enough to do it well.

Insomnia

Staring lifeless into darkness waiting for the Night to turn back to Day
Hours creeping silently, I’m afraid of the Dark
Not the darkness itself, but what rests beneath the covering

Where’s the Promise that everything gets better?
Why so Silent, you promise to be there when I need you most.

What will it take for you to hear me?
What does it take for you to hear me?

Inside, I cry, the walls are closing in.
Outside, I try not to lose it all again.
Somewhere this side of heaven I need to know for sure
You’re watching and caring for the breaking pieces inside of me.

Slumber evades me, everytime I try to go to sleep something happens
Another hour or two passes by, silent anxiety causing my brain to scream
Were those gun shots?  Was that glass breaking?
Are you there to comfort me when I cryout to you?

I remain cold and in the dark.
I can’t feel your arms around me

Inside, I cry, the walls are closing in.
Outside, I try not to lose it all again.
Somewhere this side of heaven I need to know for sure
You’re watching and caring for the breaking pieces inside of me.

It Starts With A Step

Standing in the middle of the room, the walls seem as though they’re closing in.
The door is cracked open, light gently peering in.  Not enough to cause the darkness to flee.  Only just enough to remind there is light on the other side.

It only takes a few short steps to get to the door.  To enter the hallway and be washed in that light.  And yet, we hesitate.

The raging emotions, terrifying us.  Anxiety taking our breath away.

What’s in the hallway?  Will it kill us?
Will it attack?  Will it hate us?

Alone we continue to suffocate in the darkness.

It drives us insane.  Wanting out, wanting to stay.  Wanting to be free, wanting to stay hidden in the darkness.
Will you choose Freedom?

It only takes a step.  One little step at a time to conquer the darkness.
Freedom begins when you let yourself move.  When you take that first step toward change.